STYLETHREAD -- LET'S TALK SHOP!

splash · Kenneth Cole

help me think of this the right way (long)

blubirde · Chanel

It sounds like you know what you need to do, you're just having a hard time doing it. And who can blame you? It's hard to stay friends with an ex for all kinds of reasons, the least of which is that it's hard to get over romantic feelings for them when you see them and talk to them on a regular basis.

To appreciate a person romantically and in a friendly way are completely different things. It would be easier to take some time to get over him romantically and then try to develop a friendship with him. But that's probably not going to happen so what to do?

I'd say make a concerted effort to think of him as a friend and treat him as such. The true test of a friendship is whether or not you can talk about the opposite sex with them, right? Do you date? Would you feel comfortable sharing some of that with him? I have no idea if that's the right thing to do or not but it would definitely let both of you know that y'all are just friends.

But also, you just came back from visiting him, so he's fresh in your mind right now. I bet in a week he won't seem so accessible. So I guess the point of my advice is to go date some other guys (nothing helps divert one's attention like a pretty boy) and let time take its course.

Good luck!

splash · Kenneth Cole

Thanks, Blubirde! Yes, you're exactly right: I know what I need to do, but since it's largely a matter of forcing myself to think and feel a certain way, it's easier said than done (though you're absolutely right that hot guys make it far easier

). Thanks for the reinforcement - it's exactly what I need.

esquiress · Marc Jacobs

hmm...here's what worries me about your post:

"but since it's largely a matter of forcing myself to think and feel a certain way, it's easier said than done"

splash, you can't ever force yourself to feel a certain way--it just NEVER WORKS. you only end up deceiving yourself and when your true feelings finally come out, which they invariably do, they catch everyone be surprise--you, the person the feelings are directed to, the people around you--everyone. please watch out.

also it sounds like there's a significant amount of idolizing going on w/ this guy. he's so incredible, so wonderful, represents different values (and from the sound of your post it sounds like you think his values are somehow "better"...btw, can you elaborate a little bit on how your values differ from his?). sure it's natural to hold the guy you like in high regard but it sounds like there's more going on than just that--it really sounds like you think he's better than you and that you feel like you're lucky to breathe the same air he does. what i'm worried about is that you don't value yourself enough in this whole equation. that you don't get that he's damn lucky to breathe the same air as you do. and that's always dangerous, because if you don't value yourself, how can you expect others to? please be careful.

splash · Kenneth Cole

Wow, Esquiress, you bring up something that I hadn't thought to include, but that is a problem. Objectively, this guy *is* 'better' than me - in the amazing resume, he got into Harvard and I didn't way - but that doesn't mean that I should think of him as a better person. I do, though, you're right - once in a while I question why he decided I was 'good enough' for him, though most of the time I don't think that way (fwiw, being around him makes me feel more confident about myself). I know that's a problem beyond how it affects my view of this particular guy.

Values: My parents have one set. I got the feeling during high school that there was something wrong, but was so totally in that bubble that I didn't know an alternative. When I got to college I made friends with people with those same values, because though I felt something didn't fit, that was my comfort zone. I've started to become aware of what I want, and am working towards getting to know people with values closer to my own. I met this guy soon after I started to get a better feeling for what I want in terms of values of friends, and he fit that perfectly. It's hard to jump to a totally different community (they really don't interact at my school), not having a strong idea of what it'll be like. He's been very supportive and done a lot to help me define what I want and how to get that.

As for specific values, my parents are extremely liberal, hippy and anti-competition. Like, my mom considers it an insult to her intelligence if a guy holds a door for her. I'm not conservative in a political sense, but I have much more traditional beliefs, and I think that often the liberal way of thinking about things and trying to accomplish things simply doesn't work (sorry, generalizing - their way of thinking: don't plan, it'll all work out in the end; try to destroy the system rather than using it to get what you want without making the other side get defensive and so harder to work with) .

Think and feel a certain way - yes, that's hard, but I've chosen to be friends with him rather than simply lose the connection. I'll come to see him as a friend gradually, especially as I meet other guys and also meet new people who share his and my values, but it'll take a while, and I wondered whether people here might have ideas to accelerate the process. After seeing him, though it was wonderful to spend time with him and see that we still have a close connection, it's hard to let go of the other aspect of our former relationship, and I suppose I'm still a bit scared of losing him entirely.

-- Edited by splash at 10:51, 2005-08-21