STYLETHREAD -- LET'S TALK SHOP!

kenzie · Chanel

Grrr. Argh. Is this normal?

laken1 · Hermes

Uh, not normal & you have every right to be aggrivated. It is your home too & they don't have a right to "come on in". I have to say, what do you mean they bring his laundry or groceries? His mom still does his laundry & grocery shops for him??? I think that's odd, myself. My MIL will try to spot clean a shirt if I ask her or sew something up for me, but only if I ask. I don't know what to tell you to do about it, because i'm assuming he thinks this is ok? I just think in my house I (well, we) make the rules & no one is welcome without a prior call, notice, invitation, etc.

I think a lot of times it depends on how you grew up & we didn't grow up that way - maybe his grandparents did the same thing so that's normal to him & to his parents?

Metric · Gucci

ugh, I would kill my MIL if she just invited herself over. I don't think that's ok.

I'm really close with my mom and she wouldn't just show up unannounced or uninvited. Seems a little odd to me.

rosie_the_riveter · Gucci

BrazenCanadian wrote:

ugh, I would kill my MIL if she just invited herself over. I don't think that's ok.

OMG Nylabelle I feel for you 6 out of 7 days! I would have to strangle the woman. Maybe you could talk to the bf and tell him that you enjoy their company but would appreciate it if they called or at least knocked. Do they have a key to your house? I would change the lock and put one of those chain thingys on the door

sage · Dooney & Bourke

You are not crazy. This situation is crazy!! I would feel like my privacy was violated. Good luck in putting a stop to this.

-- Edited by sage at 22:16, 2005-07-24

fashionista L · Coach

I would be so irritated too, maybe you could talk to your guy and have him talk to his parents. Does he think it's normal?? I don't think many people would like that type of intrusion by anyone. Totally weird!!

Tati · Chanel

oh my gosh! they just let themselves in??!! No way, thats not right! you need to talk to your bf about this, try to be gentle as much as possible in this subject cause he obviously dosen't see nothing wrong with this picture. But explain to him you are both adults and his parents need to start treating him and you like ones. Good luck!

kenzie · Chanel

Yep, yep they've got a key to the house. One Saturday morning, the bf and I were sleeping in the living room b/c the upstairs was getting recarpeted and his dad barged in on us. It was 9 am and we were in a somewhat, um, compromising position. Yeah, fun.

I feel bad b/c they are very nice and I really like them and don't want to upset them, but I just feel invaded. My mom and I are closer than he is to his parents and she has never had a key to my house and always calls and knocks first. I don't understand why the bf and his parents think that this is normal behavior. They're treating him like he's still a little kid!

I'm going to talk to him about it tonight and see what he says.

Andrea Julia · Coach

I don't think it is normal, but it isn't uncommon. My friend's in-laws live within walking distance and sometimes show up uninvited. It totally sucks when I'm over because all attention goes to them and if we were about to go out, we have to wait until they leave. We just have to totally stop what we are doing and hang with them. At least if they would call, we wouldn't get all into doing something or I might not come over at all if they are going to be there a long time. She was even watching my friend's kid one day while we did some work on the new house and she walked over with the kid. Um...hello? You are supposed to be watching the kid because we can't have him around. If I am this annoyed about my friend's in-laws, I couldn't even imagine how I would feel about a boyfriend's parents showing up uninvited to my own house. I was always brought up to call before I go somewhere, even if it is family. I think it is so rude to just show up someplace (unless you have been told by the person that you can just stop by anytime). You never know what people are doing. It takes 2 seconds to just call and say, "hey, I'll be in the area. Mind if I stop by?" To me, showing up someplace without calling is like saying, "I'm coming over whether you want me to or not. You might say no if I call ahead of time so I won't even call."

I think he has to stop having his parents buy his groceries and stuff. They may feel entitled to treat his house as their own because they are cleaning it and buying him everything. So, I think step 1 is for your boyfriend to let them know he can handle this stuff on his own. Once this is done, they might stop showing up all the time on their own. If not, you can have the "don't show up without calling" talk without having to worry about them defending themselves by saying they buy and clean everything.

splash · Kenneth Cole

That's so weird! Ugh, I'd be really annoyed.

First, I think you should mention to him (or them if you know them well) that you'd appreciate if they knocked.

Then too, it sounds like a lot of the problem is that he is still too dependent on them - groceries and laundry?! If someone's doing those, in a way it seems like they're really part of the household. So if your MIL weren't doing those things, she wouldn't have an excuse to barge in - she'd be visiting only for planned dinners or whatever.

kenzie · Chanel

splash wrote:

That's so weird! Ugh, I'd be really annoyed. First, I think you should mention to him (or them if you know them well) that you'd appreciate if they knocked. Then too, it sounds like a lot of the problem is that he is still too dependent on them - groceries and laundry?! If someone's doing those, in a way it seems like they're really part of the household. So if your MIL weren't doing those things, she wouldn't have an excuse to barge in - she'd be visiting only for planned dinners or whatever.

I agree, he definitely relies on them way too much considering that he's almost 28. I really feel like my life is a sitcom (Everybody Loves Raymond comes to mind). At least they like me and they buy us dinner whenever they're over. It's just that when they visit almost everyday, the novelty wears off.

Luv2Shop · Kate Spade

If your talk with your boyfriend doesn't work, and he won't do anything about it, here's something drastic to try if you are not shy.
Spend a day in your bra and underware. If they "happen" to pop in, act really surprised and embarressed. Tell your boyfriend that your are mortified and have him have a talk with them about it to tell them how mortified you are and that from now on they need to call before they come, or at least knock when they are there. (personally I think they should at least call for pete's sake, but knocking in your case may be a step in the right direction.)
This way the request will be because of an incident, and you won't seem bitchy or strange for asking them to change out of the blue.

This would drive me bonkers!!!! I hope you make some progress. If you are too shy to try my idea, I wish you luck in whatever you do because I can tell you one thing, if you get married and have kids....oh boy. Please keep us posted!

P.S. yea, and about the whole bringing him groceries and laundry??? He needs to grow up, or else tell them that he wants to start doing those things on his own. My mom gets us groceries a lot, but it's when we plan to shop together and I invite her over to maybe help put them away or have dinner. Everything is planned, she would never just drop in. Giving in laws a key is way out of the question!!! That's just something I think everyone agrees should not happen!

-- Edited by Luv2Shop at 17:36, 2005-07-25

bex · Chanel

my boyfriend's mom comes over sometimes to leave leftovers for us or drop off the BF's laundry that he doesn't have time to finish (their dryer takes FOREVER to dry clothes) but she always knocks first and doesn't stay long (usually i am home working when she stops by)... she has a key so that she can leave/pick up stuff but she only stops by once a week.

i would def. speak to your BF about this and ask him to talk to his parents about the frequency of their visits and if they could possibly call or knock before coming in uninvited.

good luck!

scarlett · Marc Jacobs

Luv2Shop wrote:

If your talk with your boyfriend doesn't work, and he won't do anything about it, here's something drastic to try if you are not shy. Spend a day in your bra and underware. If they "happen" to pop in, act really surprised and embarressed. Tell your boyfriend that your are mortified and have him have a talk with them about it to tell them how mortified you are and that from now on they need to call before they come, or at least knock when they are there. (personally I think they should at least call for pete's sake, but knocking in your case may be a step in the right direction.)

I love this idea! So funny and bound to be effective! It could be embarrassing but hey, it's better than the continued invasion of the parents!

kenzie · Chanel

scarlett wrote:

Luv2Shop wrote: If your talk with your boyfriend doesn't work, and he won't do anything about it, here's something drastic to try if you are not shy. Spend a day in your bra and underware. If they "happen" to pop in, act really surprised and embarressed. Tell your boyfriend that your are mortified and have him have a talk with them about it to tell them how mortified you are and that from now on they need to call before they come, or at least knock when they are there. (personally I think they should at least call for pete's sake, but knocking in your case may be a step in the right direction.) I love this idea! So funny and bound to be effective! It could be embarrassing but hey, it's better than the continued invasion of the parents!

Yes, I think it's hilarious! However, we already had an incident like that where his dad came in and we were both, um, rather....un-clothed. Not. fun. I think the bf did have a talk with them after that and I've noticed that his dad proceeds with more caution than his mom. Again, they're really nice people, so I don't want to upset them, but I just feel the need for some boudaries.

NCshopper · Hermes

NylaBelle wrote:

However, we already had an incident like that where his dad came in and we were both, um, rather....un-clothed. Not. fun. I think the bf did have a talk with them after that and I've noticed that his dad proceeds with more caution than his mom.

I can't believe that after that they still come in unannounced!!! Do they not remember what its like to be in your twenties?!?!

Anyway, I think your bf should say something to them about it, but if he's unwilling to, then its time to take matters into your own hands. You can do it tactfully by just saying, "you know, I love your company, but could you give me a little notice before you come over?" Or you could be more subtle about it by acting like they scared the crap out of you when they barged in or like luv2shop said, having them "accidentally" walk in on you in your underwear if you're brave enough.

6 out of 7 days is a LOT. I love my parents, but don't think I could handle even my own parents, let alone any in-laws that often.