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Post Info TOPIC: *updated* massive vent in need of advice
deadlyjane


BCBG

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*updated* massive vent in need of advice
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First off thank you all so much for your advice it really helped me. So I called her up before I called any of the attendies and told her that I wanted to sit down with her and have a heart to heart talk. We agreed on a time the next day. The next day about 30 minutes before I am set to leave to meet her I get a phone call from her and she is almost crying saying that she cant meet me. I start to tell her how flacky she is and then I hear her husband in the back ground saying " just bleep her I want you to stay here." She tells me that she can't drive to meet me but I can come pick her up. I do that and thank god that her husband wasnt there or I would have gone into bitchmode. She breaks down to me and tells me how posessive and controling her husband is and how he wont stop doing drugs around her. He won't even let her see her own father. So now she is trying to get her marriage annulled. I told her that I still cant get over her lying to me, so i am not giving her a baby shower at my house but i am attending one a friend is throwing for her. I want to kick her husbands butt but they are married and I guess I have to stay out of it. Gahhh so much drama for one month! thank you all again. Oh and we got our stuff back, our other friend was really understanding.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


ok so heres some history. I have been with my boyfriend for 5 years and we have a beautiful 9 month old daughter. My boyfriend is a works and i go to school part time and take care of our daughter the rest. My boyfriends brother is married to my ex best friend. they have know each other for a little over a year. She is 8 month pregnant.They live in his mothers house. She is my ex best friend because when i was preggo she was a dope/crack/crystal meth head and was screwed up all the time. she even came to my babyshower high. her husband doesnt have a job and is basicaly a bum.


in the past few months we have been getting to be friends again. then my boyfriend and i learn that her husband is doing drugs again from an extremely realiable source. I take her aside and ask her if its true she denies it and starts acting weird. We come over to let the grandma see our baby and their romm is reeking of weed and they are both stoned out of their minds, That really buggs me because she is preggo. so we leave. Because no one else is going to throw her a baby shower i decided to throw her a lunch thing not a shower but an informal lunch. I gave out invitations and verbally invited about 10-15 people. then shit goes down.


Suddenly some one breaks in to their garage and steals a bed and a punching bag and stand of ours. nothing else is missing only the things we were temporaraly storing there. we are pretty crushed but blow it off. a few days later we go over to a friends house and come to find out my boyfriends brother stole and sold our stuff!!! a confrontation goes down and the brother totaly denies everything even though we know what he did steal them for a fact.


now my question is am i still obligated to throw her a party? she was involved with it and lied to me too. I am just so hurt that i dont want to see her for a very long time. but i all ready sent out invites....what would you do in my situation? thank you in advance and thank you for reading such a long post.



-- Edited by deadlyjane at 23:37, 2005-06-16

-- Edited by deadlyjane at 17:19, 2005-06-28

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ranchera20


Marc Jacobs

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RE: massive vent in need of advice
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Wow! Thats really tough!! Since you already sent out the invitations the only thing you can do is to still have the lunch. Just make it really informal and this probably sounds mean but dont give her a lot of praise, you know? I think thats what I would do.


I hope everything works out for you. And i hope the brother and your ex-friend figure out their problems!!


Keep us posted and what happens..Im curious to know!!!!



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Karina


Chanel

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Are you absolutely positive that it was your boyfriend's brother, and if so, how?


This might sound bitchy, but if it was definitely him, I would cut off all ties with him and not do her baby shower.



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deadlyjane


BCBG

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yes, we are positive that it was my boyfriends brother because well before we found out for sure there were alot of other more valuable things in the garage like a TV and another punching bag that was bigger but it belonged to another person. and then we went over to a mutual friends house and they accually showed us our missing stuff. and he was/ still is heavy into drugs..and that is typical behavior for a desperate druggie. gahh i jsut dont want to call all of the grandparents and such and tell them that i am not throwing her a party any more..i feel like a bitch even if its justified.

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Tati


Chanel

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Cancel, Cancel, cancel!


They dont deserve it! For all we know they just might return everything they get for the baby for money and use it towards more drugs. And she's the Bitch for doing drugs while shes pregnant. You dont need those people in your life, you should break all ties with them again. Sorry I'm coming across so rude, but it really pists me off when a baby is involved!



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ejc423


Coach

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I don't know about the baby shower, but if you know she is doing drugs while pregnant, you should absolutely turn her in to social services.  Especially if you think there is ANY iota of a chance she is doing cocaine.  I'm sure you are aware of what that can do to a kid.  I know it's not a simple thing, but these people either need to clean up or their child could be taken away.  Ugh, I'm sorry you have to deal with this.  I'll be thinking of you.

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member


Hermes

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Do not throw her the lunch!  Cancel it!  There's no way she deserves anything nice from you after what they did.  Just call the people you invited and politely tell them it's cancelled.


Also, I agree w/ejc423 - if you know for a fact she's abusing drugs while pregnant, turn her in.  That's so terrible.  People like that just make me sick.  The poor baby.



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Drew


Gucci

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deadyjane, you are so sweet to worry about them after they have lied and stolen from you.  I know family and history ties bind people so a clean break may never be possible, but you shouldn't feel like you have to throw the party just because invitations already went out.  If it is eary enough you could send out a cancellation notice or have a close friend make the call for you just saying, "Sorry, but the event has been cancelled."  If you have a friend/relative call for you to cancel then that person wouldn't be obliged to give a reason as to the cancellation.


Are you going to get your stuff back?



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poptart


Coach

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ejc423 wrote:

I don't know about the baby shower, but if you know she is doing drugs while pregnant, you should absolutely turn her in to social services.  Especially if you think there is ANY iota of a chance she is doing cocaine.  I'm sure you are aware of what that can do to a kid.  I know it's not a simple thing, but these people either need to clean up or their child could be taken away.  Ugh, I'm sorry you have to deal with this.  I'll be thinking of you.

I agree 100%, and I would cancel the shower.


Sorry you are having to deal with this!



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deadlyjane


BCBG

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ejc423 wrote:

I don't know about the baby shower, but if you know she is doing drugs while pregnant, you should absolutely turn her in to social services.  Especially if you think there is ANY iota of a chance she is doing cocaine.  I'm sure you are aware of what that can do to a kid.  I know it's not a simple thing, but these people either need to clean up or their child could be taken away.  Ugh, I'm sorry you have to deal with this.  I'll be thinking of you.

 


thank you all for answering. my mother works in the medical office ajacent to where my exfriend goes for her preggo appointments. I told my mom all about this and she gave the doctors a heads up that shes smoking pot. but nothing has came of that. i have no idea how she is passing her urine tests. I think later in the day I am going to call the grandparents and then her to cancell. gahhh I am nervous all ready. i will let you all know how it goes. Thanks!



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e_doli


Dooney & Bourke

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I'm so sorry for you --this is horrible.

You should 100% cancel the lunch and DO NOT FEEL BAD ABOUT IT. You don't have to offer any expaination to the guests, just call them (maybe when you know they're not home so you can just leave a message) or send out note saying due to circumstances beyond your control, it has been cancelled.

This girl does not deserve your time or effort. The stealing and lying is bad enough, but doing drugs while pregnant is CHILD ABUSE. She should be thrown in jail and the poor baby should be taken away from her. I love how people think drinking, smoking or doing drugs is okay while they are pregnant. How is that different from giving a 2 month old a martini in it's baby bottle or blowing pot smoke into it's nose?

I agree with the others that you should report her to social services if you are sure she's doing drugs. Or at least try to seperate yourself from them as much as possible -- if they are capable of stealing from you and lying about it, who knows what else they would do if they were desperate enough?

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blubirde


Chanel

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Brace yourself - I'd cancel in a heartbeat. And if anyone asked why it was canceled, I'd straight-up tell them. I'd have no qualms about it. Well, to be fair, I probably wouldn't tell people who had no business in it, but family members? Hell yes. I wouldn't lie for her for a second. I'd say what happened and under the circumstances you don't feel comfortable throwing a party for her. Especially to celebrate a pregnancy she's so obviously thinking so little of.


But, if you don't want to tell everyone (and I understand that's probably the polite thing to do but this would make me so mad I wouldn't care), I would definitely tell the grandparents. It's for sure their business since they share the same living space.


This is a tough one and I don't envy you but YOU SHOULD NOT FEEL BAD. You haven't done anything wrong. Truth is truth and if it hurts her, she shouldn't have done it. Admittedly my stance is a little tougher than someone else's might be but I've been in a similar situation (or at least seen one go down in an ex's fam) and taking it easy on the brother and gf are not going to help them. Or you. I'd completely cut them out of my world. I don't need that kind of drama, especially if I have a child.


Hope things turn around for her, and consequently for you too. Keep us posted!



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RyanJ


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I am sorry to hear about all this.

I agree w/ Blubirde- the lunch would definatley be off and if anyone gave you attitude about it I would tell them why.



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deadlyjane


BCBG

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RE: *updated* massive vent in need of advice
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bump I edited it at the top.

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blubirde


Chanel

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I read what happened. That's really sad. I hope she gets out of that relationship if it's such an unhealthy one. You took the mature approach and I'm sure you're happy you did after everything is said and done. Hang in there - it looks like she might have a bumpy ride in front of her and can use all the friends she can get.

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Tati


Chanel

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great to hear you got your stuff back!


If your friend is trying to better her life, be there for her but try not to  get too involved, especially when it comes to her husband..........



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