STYLETHREAD -- LET'S TALK SHOP!

Maven · BCBG

6 mo marriage--do I get my present back?

Karina · Chanel

I'm sorry to be harsh, but why would you expect your present back? A gift is a gift.

ejc423 · Coach

Maven wrote:

Now I'm wondering if I should just wait a year to see if the marriage takes.

lol. . .I don't know, I would think you should just write it off. Thankfully, I am not experienced in the 6-month marriage department. But that comment made me chuckle although it is sad and true. . .

carmenb513 · Coach

Maven wrote:

Just heard that my cousin's stepson and his wife of six months are divorced already! Does anyone know the etiquette here? I sent them a present from Tiffany's. Can I expect my present back? It took me a few weeks to get the thing sent (they got married in Europe) and I felt guilty. Now I'm wondering if I should just wait a year to see if the marriage takes.

If I remember correctly, if you are divorced within 1 yr. or maybe 6 mo. you are to send your gift back.If it were me I wouldn't expect that I would get the gift back, frankly I wouldn't want it.....It would make me feel cheap.

But........If my marriage crapped the bed in that short of a time,I would send my gifts back,just so people won't think I was raised in a barn.

Andrea Julia · Coach

carmenb513 wrote:

Maven wrote: Just heard that my cousin's stepson and his wife of six months are divorced already! Does anyone know the etiquette here? I sent them a present from Tiffany's. Can I expect my present back? It took me a few weeks to get the thing sent (they got married in Europe) and I felt guilty. Now I'm wondering if I should just wait a year to see if the marriage takes. If I remember correctly, if you are divorced within 1 yr. or maybe 6 mo. you are to send your gift back.If it were me I wouldn't expect that I would get the gift back, frankly I wouldn't want it.....It would make me feel cheap. But........If my marriage crapped the bed in that short of a time,I would send my gifts back,just so people won't think I was raised in a barn.

I know that what you are saying is the proper etiquette, but I would feel really, really weird returning a gift to someone if I had already used it (which they may have). I think it is a little different if you split up right away and have a bunch of unopened gifts. Not that 6 months isn't a very short amount of time to be married, but it is definitely enough time for them to have opened and used whatever you gave them.

Also, the heartbreak of getting divorced may make it a little hard for them to focus on who gave them what gift and how they are going to send it back. I would just try to be understanding. I'm sure they didn't know going into their wedding that it would turn out like this. Unfortunately, there are times in your life where you will feel that your money might as well have gone directly in your garbage can and it sounds like this is one of those times.

Karina · Chanel

We gave FH's friend a huge monetary gift for their wedding, and they split up on their HONEYMOON. We didn't get our gift back, nor did we expect to. Just my 2 cents.

atlgirl · Gucci

I'm with Karina on this one - I wouldn't even be thinking about the gift if I heard a couple broke up, and I think it's kind of sad that you seem more interested in getting your gift back than feeling bad for them having difficulties. :(

honey · Gucci

your post made me laugh. i totally understand how you feel. i'd be a little perturbed if i sent someone a nice wedding gift and they split in 6 months. especially since it sounds like a situation were you don't really know them that well but just did it out of obligation. it's one of those things that make you go hmm... however, as others have pointed out, a gift is a gift, so i honestly wouldn't expect them to give it back. i just chalk it up to life, and if either of them remarries wait a year (or whatever the time frame is) b/f giving them a gift.

-- Edited by honey at 12:34, 2005-06-11

hotcocoa · Kate Spade

grrr, that's upsetting. it's happened to me before, only it was (unfortunately) one of my best friends. my concern (aside from my friend's well-being) wasn't getting the wedding gift back from her, but rather to make sure that she kept the gift and not him! besides, i think there must be some sort of bad energy associated with the gift in these situations... i wouldn't want it back. (even though it was an object that i would have loved in my own home, but wouldn't have necessarily purchased for myself) might this be the case with your gift from tiffs? hee hee!

e_doli · Dooney & Bourke

I have heard that it is proper ettiquette to return the gifts if the marriage lasts less than either 6 mths or a year. But whether anyone really ever does this, i don't know.

I think it is incredibley rude for a couple to go through the whole marriage process without being sure about the relationship (because if you break up a couple months after the wedding, how rock solid could the relationship have been in the first place?). when a couple gets married, they demand a great deal of time, attention, and money from everyone around them. people are usually more than happy to support the couple and go out of their way to make the wedding process special for them (engagement parties, showers, gifts, wedding party responsiblities). it's kind of a slap in the face that a couple would accept all this without being totally sure that this was "IT". IMO, it is very selfish and rude to put your friends and family through all that and then just get divorced a few months later.

one of my best friends (she was the first to get married in our group) did this -- they split up 6 months after the wedding. come to find out, she had been cheating on the guy throughout their 8 year relationship and pretty much hooked up with this guy she had on the side AT THE WEDDING. !!! as one of her 7 bridesmaids, i invested a huge amount of time and money in her relationship without question (as did all of us, esp the maid of honor who spent almost $1000 before the thing was over) b/c i was so happy for her. so when they announced that they were divorcing, i was a little bitter. and i gladly would have taken my gift back. (it was a beautiful chandelier that i had wanted myself and spent a ton of $$ on).

i cannot believe that the couple karina mentioned, who split up on the honeymoon, would have kept anything, esp. money. that is just totally tacky and wrong.

RyanJ · Coach

e_doli wrote:

I have heard that it is proper ettiquette to return the gifts if the marriage lasts less than either 6 mths or a year. But whether anyone really ever does this, i don't know.

I have heard that too. For some reason Miss Manners is where I thought I heard it.

I definaltey think the gifts should be returened. If you don't want the returned gift then give it to charity, but I don't think the couple should keep it.

e_doli · Dooney & Bourke

RyanJ wrote:

I definaltey think the gifts should be returened. If you don't want the returned gift then give it to charity, but I don't think the couple should keep it.

the charity thing is a good idea -- i just think that the couple should acknowledge, in some way, that they screwed up.

Andrea Julia · Coach

Sorry to post again, but the more I think about it, the more I disagree with the giving back of the gifts. It's okay if the wedding JUST happened, but I think after 6 months, you should just accept the loss of your gift. Maven, none of this is directed toward you, it is directed at the existence of this rule of etiquette.

1. The couple divorcing has enough to think of and divorce is so expensive. I really think their friends and family should not expect that in the midst of the heartbreak and expense, that the couple should be worrying about packaging up items from their home and sending them back to where they came from. And dipping into their savings account to send money back. It just seems ridiculous to me. If someone even offered to send my gift back to me, I would refuse.

2. I don't think a couple should be punished for their marriage not working out. Most couples do not get married thinking they are going to split up. I'm sure it happens, but that is the exception and even then, it is more like one of them knows it isn't right and the other is completely blind to the fact.

3. Unless they are a close family member, most people just give enough money (or gift-equivalent) to cover their plate and then a bit more. It is easy to just chalk it up to an expensive night out. You ate the food, you enjoyed the dj or band, you drank the free drinks, you got to see people you may not have seen in a while, etc. If the couple paid for their own wedding, giving back gifts and money to people can put them into debt. Yeah, that's just what they need. Couples that I know who have paid for their own wedding said after counting up the gifts, they just barely came out ahead.

4. Who has the time? Sending gifts back involves figuring out who sent what, collecting items from around the home, setting up times to drop off the gifts to people, getting addresses of people who live far away, packaging up the gift, going to the post office to send it. The divorcing couple is going to be busy with their jobs, going to lawyers, finding new places to live, moving out, and all else that comes with divorce. What if they don't even remember who gave them what? After thank you notes are sent, who thinks about that?

5. These people are upset. A divorce is one of the worst things you can experience. Friends and family should be there to comfort them. I think if anyone were to mention anything to the couple about returning gifts it would be totally tasteless.

atlgirl · Gucci

AJ, I think you are right on the money. I am quite surprised that people are posting here that the presents should definitely be returned, etc...it bothered me enough to dig out our own etiquette book (Amy Vanderbilt Complete Book of Etiquette, if anyone wants to know), and here's a direct quote:

"In the event that the marriage lasts only a brief time, ending in an annulment or divorce, the presents legally belong equally to the bride and groom. Whether they return any presents depends on how long they were married and their personal feelings in the matter. The bride, however, should return any jewelry or heirlooms she received from the groom's family."

I heartily agree. I think it's very self-involved for anyone to be expecting a gift back when a couple is going through (or just went through) a divorce. Divorce - regardless of how long the marriage, has to be one of the most wrenching things a person can experience.

As for the couple acknowledging that they "screwed up" - don't you think the divorce pretty much covers that?? Why should they have to acknowledge that to each of their wedding guests individually? Give 'em a break, folks!

Dizzy · Marc Jacobs

I changed my mind. Let them keep it. But if it were me, I would return everything just to try to get out of a bad situation with a modicum of class. Who wants a reminder of the whole thing anyway? I had to get rid of some seriously weird stuff because it reminded me of my ex (wine corkscrew, for example).

-- Edited by Dizzy at 20:30, 2005-06-12

e_doli · Dooney & Bourke

maybe i'm just a little to focused on the situation i was in.

yes, for the average wedding guest who came and ate the food, drank the drinks, etc, the gift about covers their cost so you could say that they are even. but i guess i'm thinking more about the bridal party and family that spent large amounts of money on the wedding in good faith that this couple was serious about marriage and their relationship.

i feel that many people get married without giving it much thought. seriously, if a relationship is so wrong that the only option is divorce, how picture perfect could it have been six months ago at the wedding?

if divorce is such a horrible, expensive, wrenching process, these people who decided to divorce within 6 months of the wedding should have thought about that before they got married. this is kind of harsh, but why do they deserve any sympathy? it is completely irresponsible to marry someone if the relationship is not rock solid. again, relationships of marriage caliber do not disintegrate beyond repair in 6 months. (making an exception for infidelity)

as far as the gift are concerned, i do not think that the guests should EXPECT them to be returned, and of course it would be a pain in the a** and totally impractial for the couple to return them.

erin · Chanel

this is sort of awful, but when my sister got married, i told my dad if they didn't last a year, i wanted reimbursed for my bridesmaid dress.

bex · Chanel

i think that it should be up to personal discretion at this point. i wouldn't expect the gift back but i wouldn't be surprised if it turned up in the mail either. Completely up to the couple and whether they used it, etc.

my BF's sister got married a while ago and the deal with her wedding (that cost around $30K) is that if the wedding didn't last 5 years, she had to repay her parents the cost of the wedding. She got divorced just after their 5 year anniversary!

scarlett · Marc Jacobs

this is not a scenario i've personally experienced. however, i think the etiquette quote that atlgirl posted sums it up perfectly. a gift is a gift, and i don't think you can expect for it to be returned. the couple in question must be dealing with a lot of feelings of shame and embarassment right now, and the pain of a divorce.

if anything, this is a good reminder that we shouldn't feel obligated to spend a lot of money on a wedding gift. maven, it seems like this wasn't someone you were close to. i've gotten carried away with wedding gifts before myself so i really sympathize that you were trying to do something nice, but the lesson i'd take from this is, only spend a lot of money on someone's gift if they are really special to you and it's something you really want to do.

mikacat · Coach

probably not