STYLETHREAD -- LET'S TALK SHOP!

Metric · Gucci

personal tragedy

Cricket · Gucci

Oh, man that sucks. All I can suggest is that you really BE THERE for her. Spend time w/ her, talk to her, check up on her. Bring her lunch or dinner and eat it with her too. Wish I could be of more help.

ico · Dooney & Bourke

I agree with Cricket: spend some time with her, make her understand that she can call you to talk a little. You can invite to do something fun, like going to see a movie or take a walk or do some shopping or whatever you like. I think that if you help her take her mind off the 2 tragedies she will be very grateful!

beachgirl · Kenneth Cole

I think that lunch and a movie or something like that would be great. That way she would be able to talk and get her feelings out, and then get distracted with the movie. I know when I'm upset, I always can count on a good movie to distract me, even if it's only for 2 hours. Time is the best thing you can give her.

Dizzy · Marc Jacobs

Um, this sounds cold too, but I think you should get her into therapy. That reaction doesn't sound quite right to me either. Can you suggest a grief counselor?

ejc423 · Coach

Maybe what she meant was that being so close to tragedy made her relive losing her mom. I hope that's what she meant and not that this affected her as much as losing her mom. Grief just happens in different ways for different people, and as her friend you can use your instinct on whether her grieving process is "unhealthy".

I think the best thing you can do (assuming that your friend is emotionally stable and grieving in a natural way) is validate her feelings. Sometimes it makes it worse (for me anyway) when people try to cheer me up during times like these. It seems like your world has come to a halt and although you know life has to go on, it doesn't make sense or seem fair that everyone else's lives are going on like normal. . .

It's hard to be a good friend to someone who is so down, but being there for her is what makes you a GREAT friend. And obviously, you are--you are concerned enough to post here! Good luck, and I will definitley be thinking about y'all and the girl's family. So sad.

blubirde · Chanel

I think the only thing you can do for your friend is to be there for her. Just listen to her, sit with her, go to Target with her, whatever. This is how my friends and I help each other through tough times. It sucks but it's so wonderful to know your friends just want to help you and be with you in times of crisis.

For me, personally, I like for my friends to just show up without having to be asked. I don't like asking for help and when they can realize I need it anyway, it means so much more.

You're a good friend for caring about her feelings and I'm so sorry you have to go through this terrible loss.

e_doli · Dooney & Bourke

I can totally relate to how your friend is feeling. for a long time after losing my sister, every little thing from my friend's boyfriend's father dying to watching ER would bring back the trauma of the death. i have read recently that it's almost a form of PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder) in the way that any reminder make you relive the tragedy. the reminder opens up a flood of emotion, and you really do re-live the time in your head -- you think about how you felt, how hard it was ... and it takes a long time to get over that. it's been 3 years for me and reading this still makes me tear up.

everyone is right that you "just need to be there for her". if she's single and doesn't live with family, she probably needs someone just to be there to hold her when she cries. there's not much else you can do. offer to do stuff with her -- movies, food, shopping, whatever -- but don't be too pushy about it. i just remember that keeping busy was what go me through, plus having my bf to cry on.

graceful_stars · BCBG

e_doli wrote:

i have read recently that it's almost a form of PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder) in the way that any reminder make you relive the tragedy. the reminder opens up a flood of emotion, and you really do re-live the time in your head -- you think about how you felt, how hard it was ... and it takes a long time to get over that.

That's how I interpret your friend's comment about this being like losing her mom all over again. I doubt she meant it in a literal sense. Grief can be such a difficult thing to put into words.

You've gotten some great suggestions. I would just add that if she wants to talk, I think the best thing you can do is just listen to her with an understanding ear. Not that you have to *get* what she's going through, but you can be physically/emotionally available to her if she tries to explain.

I'm sorry for your loss, BC.