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sephorablue


Marc Jacobs

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dad plus BF = one tense brunch? advice pls!
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You guys, my dad is coming up this weekend to visit. I told him I wanted him to meet my BF, who I've been going out with for nearly a year. His response: a big shrug and a comment along the lines of, "what's the point, you're just going to break up with him in a few months" (though not QUITE as nasty as that. Then the other day I told the BF that my dad wanted to meet him... BF burst out laughing, easily called my bluff and said flat-out, "no he doesn't."


Part of me thinks I should stick to my guns because I feel like they should meet each other, both being, obviously, a huge part of my life. It seems stupid to always mention my dad to the BF and vice versa and for them never to have even met each other. But then the other part of me wonders why I am forcing it when neither of them particularly wants to meet the other. I mean, they are both totally willing to do it because I asked them to, of course, but there is no genuine interest on either side, which makes me wonder why I am bothering.


I should add that my dad is my only parent and I am his only child, so that makes it exponentially more intimidating for the BF. My dad has a long and glorious history of intimidating the hell out of guys I have dated--not specifically on purpose, but more by refusing to make any kind of effort to be particularly warm. He also has a long and glorious history of openly airing his dislike of the boyfriends to me after having met them (aaaaaaannnnnddd... the sad truth is that more often than not, he's been right on point with his dislike... one was a cold fish, one was bland, one was overbearing towards me, etc.) And there is no distraction factor in the form of other family members. At least, when I met BF's family, a) his older brother's girlfriend was also meeting their family for the first time, so his parents had two moving targets to distract them, and b) it was Easter so there were about 20 other relatives around at the same time, including lots of cousins, so my actual one-on-one time with the parents, under the microscope, was very limited.


I guess there's just no way around it. Since I am NOT planning on dumping the BF in a few months, they are going to have to meet eventually so it may as well be now. I think it's just clinically impossible for dads to like their daughters' boyfriends until they've been together long enough that they have accepted the inevitable. My one stroke of genius was to invite along a dear girlfriend who my dad has never met, who he actually really does want to meet--she has the social grace of a tight rope walker and her very presence will ease the level of nerve-wracking intensity that might otherwise exist if it were just the three of us.


Does anybody have any wonderful ideas on how to pull it off or whether to even bother?


UPDATE!


So as it turns out, I have no clue why I was so stressed out. No. clue. We had a really good time--we got dinner and wound up staying out for a couple more hours, getting drinks and talking about movies and music and whatnot. My friend couldn't make it, so it was just the three of us, but it was still great. My dad is not a gusher, but he clearly genuinely liked the BF and vice versa. I think the clincher was the BF mentioning that he tries to find a way to quote Blazing Saddles at least once a day. So an excellent first meeting! Thanks for asking, guys!



-- Edited by sephorablue at 15:00, 2005-06-01

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blubirde


Chanel

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I have neither (wonderful ideas or good advice) but it sounds like it's something that needs to be done. I say go with your instincts and introduce them, whether they each want it or not. Who knows? They may like each other.

It doesn't sound like there's an easy way to get them together except for you forcing the issue. Luckily, it's like you say and they both love you and will do it no matter what.

Good luck and I hope they like each other!

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jacL


Coach

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Well, you aren't planning on breaking up with him anytime soon, so you may as well get it over with and hope it turns out okay. I wouldn't invite the friend, but make it so it is a rather short meeting, like maybe lunch. I think this would be more comfortable than meeting in your home since there is something to do (put food in your mouth). If you have been seeing this guy for a year, your dad should start to take this more seriously and that will hopefully start after they meet.

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scarlett


Marc Jacobs

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introducing your boyfriend to your dad is definitely a high-anxiety moment!  but it sounds like it's time for this to happen.  i am curious -- why does your dad assume you will be breaking up with your boyfriend soon?  maybe a good way to preface the meeting is to say something to your dad like "i am really looking forward to you two finally meeting because you're both such important parts of my life; i really think you will like him because of x and y, i really care about him" to try and get your dad to lay off the negativity and intimidation factor.  i don't know your dad, obviously, but with you being his only child and he's your only parent, i am sure he is very protective and possibly possessive of you as well.  getting him to meet your boyfriend and then showing that you really do care about your boyfriend, and that he is deserving of you, could do a lot in the way of making things smoother down the road.

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Luv2Shop


Kate Spade

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I personally am very close with my family and spend a lot of time with them. Keeping any boyfriend away from them would just be weird for me. I am married now and I was kind of weary of my husband meeting my parents for the first time (back when we first started dating) because I had just come out of a 3 year relationship with a guy I lived with and moved back home. I'm sure my parents thought it was too soon to start dating again and blah blah, but they know how important having them meet my bf's is, so they were very open to it. They ended up loving him! He and my dad even spent time alone doing manly things very early on. He never did that with the guy before him. He thought he was a lazy peice of shit, and guess what, I ended up dumping him cause he was just that. Dad knows best!!
If he likes him It may be a really good sign. If you like him enough to not dump him, maybe dad will get that vibe and be happy for you guys. Maybe with the other guys he just could sense that you weren't serious enough, and that's why he's jumping the gun and saying that it will be the same way with your new guy. I say go for it. Good luck and let us know what happens!

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esquiress


Marc Jacobs

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hmm...i have a very different experience.  i avoided the mtg of parents and bf like the plague.  he had to push it, who knows why he wanted to meet them so bad, but he did.  So they did.  and it was fine.  and a few months later we broke up :P 


sephorablue, it seems like your situation is completely different but your dad seems to have the same perspective i did (as in what's the point of investing if it's not for sure?).  and i guess what worked for me in getting me out of that mentality was this:  forever or no I really love this person and it's not fair to keep him sequestered and it's just a meeting so what's the harm?


oh and i totally think it's a good idea to bring your friend, that way you and she can keep the conversation ball rolling regardless of whether either the bf or dad decides to do much talking.


good luck and let us know how it goes!



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sephorablue


Marc Jacobs

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Luv2, you're totally right--his attitude definitely stems from the fact that all my relationships up till now have been short (six months or so) and not particularly serious, even though while I was in them I thought I was more serious than I actually was. (Did that sentence make any sense?) Which sort of begs the question of why he ended up meeting so many of them--various reasons--the next to last BF specifically asked, when my dad came to visit me, and even though I hadn't particularly wanted to introduce them cause I KNEW I wasn't that serious, I wasn't going to say "no no you can't." I think honestly, another part of it is that a few of the BFs have sort of gotten mired down in "oh I wanted to meet you, it's such a pleasure," blah blah, and my dad hates having his ass kissed. Allen will definitely not kiss his ass. In fact I think Allen calling the bluff about my dad wanting to meet him actually gave him bonus points in my dad's mind. The more I think about it, there really is a very good chance they will actually end up enjoying each other. I will def. let you guys know how it goes!



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RyanJ


Coach

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My advice is the sooner the better. I started dating my bf in highschool on our first date he met my parents. He came over picked me up and met the family. He has never felt uncomfy of unwelcomed in my house. He comes over when no one is here walks in, makes dinner, takes showers and waits till I get home.

I didn't meet his parents for almost 8 months. I have never really felt comfy around them. I see his family maybe 10 times a year. We have been dating for almost 6 years and I still feel uncomfy and akward at his parents house. I think that if you are serious about the guy then you should have them meet.

Good luck!

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blubirde


Chanel

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quote:
Originally posted by: sephorablue
"You guys, my dad is coming up this weekend to visit."
So what happened?

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