STYLETHREAD -- LET'S TALK SHOP!

CarrieS · Marc Jacobs

Confused about boy..Does he like me?

Kel · Coach

From what i read it sounds like he is a good going out friend, and he does all these sweet things when he has been drinking. Which in my opinion, it seems like he thinks of you as a physical/fun girl to hang with. I might be wrong though.

What about the times you do hang out when you are both sober?

CarrieS · Marc Jacobs

You know, that's the funny part. We've never really hung out other than the bars. He's asked me to do things before that don't involve drinking, but then he forgets (if that's really what it is) and never gets ahold of me. A couple of the times when he's been back in town, he's just stopped by my place for a little bit and when he's back in Utah, there's been a couple of times where he's just called me to say hi. These were when he was sober

I'm usually amazed when he does call in the middle of the day, out of the blue. He rarely calls when he says he's going to (I know, typical boy behavior), so it's a shocking thing when it's unexpected.

Our schedules were also different so hanging out during the day wouldn't have always worked. I'm definitely a night person too, so maybe that's why the bar thing happened. There's not a lot to do in my town.

He's back in town for the whole summer, so this should be an interesting few months...

Andrea Julia · Coach

quote:
Originally posted by: CarrieS
" Now here's why I'm confused as to why he might actually like me: Every time he does come back into town, he calls me right away. He just got back in yesterday and called me after only being back for a 1/2 hour, even asked if I wanted to hang out with him that night. I have also heard from several of his friends/people he knows, that he does indeed like me (I'm not to trusting on this though, because of his past behavior with me, and I don't trust people anyways). He has also publicly kissed me, in front of his friends. I'll sometimes throw my arm around his shoulders and he'll put his arm around my waist and keep it there. One time I grabbed his hand, and he laced his fingers through me and kept holding it for longer than I would have thought. These have also been public and in front of his friends. I know he doesn't want a girlfriend right now, which is cool, but I'm just very confused by his behavior. I usually just think he wants a physical thing (I think this about every guy), but then there's little things he'll do that make me think he actually does like me. "

CarrieS, I copied the selection above because I just think it is such a typical thing for a girl in your situation to say. I know this because I have said it and all my friends have said it about one guy or another. It seems like he likes you, but not in the special girlfriend kind of way. He does just enough to keep you guessing, but never does enough for you to be sure that he likes you. I think the only way you know a guy is interested is if you are not questioning it.

There seems to be an equation to the question most asked by girls dealing with this situation that goes like this:

He does things like ABC that make me think he doesn't really like me, but if he doesn't like me, then why does he do XYZ?

For you, it is:

He does things like ditches plans with me, talks about dating when drunk and trying to have sex but doesn't bring it up when sober, and already has a girlriend, but if he doesn't like me, then why would he kiss me, hold my hand and call immediately when he's in town?

For the one relationship of mine that reminds me most of yours, it was:

He never brings me out on date, never hangs out with me alone unless it is the end of the night and we are gong to hook up, and doesn't call me his girlfriend, but if he doesn't like me, then why does he call every day, invite me out every night with him and his friends, and when I get mad at him and don't return his calls, he will call me nonstop until I do?

I think the short answer for you (and was for me) is that he DOES like you, but not enough. He likes you, he's attracted to you, he has a good time with you, but he is not feeling like you are the girl he wants to settle down with. If you look at him in this way as well, you can keep doing what you've been doing. If you are looking at it as something special, you may need to block him out of your life because he is not meant to play that role in your life.

As for him not wanting a girlfriend right now-a lot of guys say that when they are not dating someone special to them. Then when they do meet someone they feel a special way about they commit in less than a month.

-- Edited by Andrea Julia at 15:43, 2005-05-20

esquiress · Marc Jacobs

it sounds like he likes you enough to hang out with you when he's in town but not enough to make any kind of effort when he's not in town.

if that's fine by you and you enjoy his company too then that's peachy.

however, if you like him more and want him to make more of an effort with you, watch out, because if that's the case you're more emotionally invested than he is which means there's a high potential for him to hurt your feelings, whether intentionally or not.

CarrieS · Marc Jacobs

AJ, I think you summed it up pretty good. I like him, but not enough to where I think about it every day. I literally only think about it when he calls to say he's coming back into town. I'm glad that I'm not emotionally attached to him; I think flattered is probably the best to describe how I feel when he calls out of the blue, or thinks of me (at least enough to call) right away when he gets back into town.

I'm also glad that when he does make me feel flattered, that it's not more than that; as in I don't get all gushy-eyed about it. I like him, but he doesn't seem to have that ability (mostly from lack of trust on the blowing me off stuff), at least not anymore. At most I think my feelings might elevate to crush-like: fun, but not so much that he's going to be able to hurt me with it.

I think I'm just going to keep it the way it is: Hanging out with the chance of making out (Hey, a girl has needs! ) Trying to date him and make him my boyfriend isn't one of my goals because I don't do long distance; at least not in this case where it would start out as long distance.

Thanks for your opinions; I wanted an outside view on the whole thing, and you guys have some good thoughts on it.

My one non-confusing thought: It's good to know that I have the power as far as physical goes. There's no chance for him to get any, not even while I'm drunk.

Dizzy · Marc Jacobs

Thanks so much for this thread - I just left my SECOND date with a guy who I am really into who AGAIN did not try to kiss me. Normally I would be like "He did xy and z which looks like he really likes me, but then..." and this time I was like "He likes me, but not enough to initiate a damn kiss" (so not much at all...) I mean, two separate girls I know said he watches me in the library. He called me from the plane before he flew back into town, he knocks himself out to be with me or around me if we're both out with our friends, and on the two actual dates (which are super rare in law school, trust me) he kept suggesting we stay out longer and longer (I know, I should have said no and gone home but I LIKE him) and he really seems to get me. BUt no kiss. So no real interest. So Dizzy's moving on. Shit. Anyway, I would be beating myself up a LOT more without this thread, and probably contemplating stupid moves like calling him, so this is much better. Thanks y'all.

Andrea Julia · Coach

quote:
Originally posted by: Dizzy
"Thanks so much for this thread - I just left my SECOND date with a guy who I am really into who AGAIN did not try to kiss me. Normally I would be like "He did xy and z which looks like he really likes me, but then..." and this time I was like "He likes me, but not enough to initiate a damn kiss" (so not much at all...) I mean, two separate girls I know said he watches me in the library. He called me from the plane before he flew back into town, he knocks himself out to be with me or around me if we're both out with our friends, and on the two actual dates (which are super rare in law school, trust me) he kept suggesting we stay out longer and longer (I know, I should have said no and gone home but I LIKE him) and he really seems to get me. BUt no kiss. So no real interest. So Dizzy's moving on. Shit. Anyway, I would be beating myself up a LOT more without this thread, and probably contemplating stupid moves like calling him, so this is much better. Thanks y'all. "

Dizzy, this guy I would give more of a chance. Maybe he's nervous or doesn't want to rush the first kiss. It seems like he does like you from what you say.

splash · Kenneth Cole

quote:
Originally posted by: Andrea Julia
"Dizzy, this guy I would give more of a chance. Maybe he's nervous or doesn't want to rush the first kiss. It seems like he does like you from what you say."

I agree... good luck!

blubirde · Chanel

quote:
Originally posted by: Dizzy
"Thanks so much for this thread - I just left my SECOND date with a guy who I am really into who AGAIN did not try to kiss me. Normally I would be like "He did xy and z which looks like he really likes me, but then..." and this time I was like "He likes me, but not enough to initiate a damn kiss" (so not much at all...) I mean, two separate girls I know said he watches me in the library. He called me from the plane before he flew back into town, he knocks himself out to be with me or around me if we're both out with our friends, and on the two actual dates (which are super rare in law school, trust me) he kept suggesting we stay out longer and longer (I know, I should have said no and gone home but I LIKE him) and he really seems to get me. BUt no kiss. So no real interest. So Dizzy's moving on. Shit. Anyway, I would be beating myself up a LOT more without this thread, and probably contemplating stupid moves like calling him, so this is much better. Thanks y'all. "

haha! This reminds me of my favorite single girl quote from bridjet jones diary: "has he ever stuck his f**king tongue down your f**king throat?"

The bitch of all situations with guys and girls is that we never know what the other is thinking and we can imagine a million different scenarios in our head as to why or how they acted a certain way/did a certain thing/etc.

There are two things I rely on in the dating world: 1) getting it out there and 2) intuition. I firmly believe women can intuitively tell if a guy is interested or not. It just requires A LOT of honesty with ourselves. And let's face it, we don't always want to believe what our gut tells us. For those times when we've convinced ourselves we don't know what is going on, there's the "getting it out there" part. If all else fails, address the issue, head on. Ask him what's up. I have no problem telling a guy I'm running in circles with that I like him and am wondering how he feels. Obviously I like him or I wouldn't be hanging around him, so there's no loss of pride there. Some guys don't like someone being so bold, but if that's the case, then they're not for me because I'm bold in everyday life.

So my suggestion is twofold. 1) Check your instincts. What do you really think is going on? If that doesn't work then 2) ask him straight out. It's possible he likes you and is afraid you don't like him. Who knows? One quick question could clear up all your worries. (And I know it's easier said than done! )