STYLETHREAD -- LET'S TALK SHOP!

esquiress · Marc Jacobs

so what do you do when they won't take a hint?

lsubatgirl · Gucci

ooh I'm so nonconfrontational as you well know (didn't want to tell that one job I wasn't interested) so you know I'll say just ignore him but he will probably call again (like that job did) so you will probably have to face him sooner or later. I think doing it over the phone would be better than if he caught you when you were walking to your car which he might if he's calling when he sees your car parked in the garage.

All that said when you are ready and next time he calls just say you've been extremely busy with work and while you liked hanging out with him you just don't have time to be anything more than friends right now. That way you aren't telling him that he sucks and you aren't interested in him directly. It'll save you from future harassment and him from embarassment if he keeps stalking you.

-- Edited by lsubatgirl at 14:11, 2005-05-09

blubirde · Chanel

you know, i'm torn on the whole "you don't owe him anything" though process. I'm of a mind that if someone emails, phones, etc., it is polite to return said method of communication. I don't necessarily owe them a return phone call, I just feel that if I were in their shoes, I'd want a response, even if it wasn't what I wanted to hear. And that's not to say I haven't ignored a phone call or an email message, because I have, but if he's obviously persistant about the whole thing, maybe a return call is the thing to do. He obviously doesn't get the hint or he would have taken it. Calling him makes you a good person and clears up the air. How can it hurt?

Disclaimer: if it does hurt in some way, shape, or fashion, I am in no way responsible because I was using the phrase flippantly and cannot guarantee results.

cc · Marc Jacobs

Oh I hate situations like this. I know it could be annoying and painful, but I think you should call him. Obviously you are going to run into him again and it will just make the eventual confrontation worse if you keep avoiding him.

Vanessa · Kate Spade

When I was younger I used to ignore guys all the time until one day someone very dear to me told me I'd really hurt a mutual friend's feelings by doing so, and that was the last of that. I don't think you owe him a drawn-out explanation since you weren't bf/gf or anything like that, but a polite call back is probably what I'd do. Maybe wait until you know he's not home (use the neighbor thing to your advantage for once!) and leave a brief message saying you've been really busy & you just don't think it's a good idea to see each other anymore?
Maybe it's just me, but I'd always want to be told rather than kept guessing. Take my current situation for example. I've got three guys on hold because I really want this one to ask me out. Yet he's not saying a peep. I'm about to throw something at him! If only he'd say something, anything, to dispel the mystery (doesn't matter if it is disappointing) I would be oblivious with joy. I hate wondering and waiting.

Let us know what happens!

sephorablue · Marc Jacobs

I just wrote this whole thing about how you shouldn't call, not because of oweing or not oweing but because it might be unnecessarily harsh to just give some blow-off excuse upfront. Then I reread your post and changed my mind. You turning your head to avoid the kiss and not returning the call when he knew you were home should have been CLEAR red flags that you're not interested, so I say call him back and tell him so--I feel like even if you use "I'm busy," a guy that dense might be like, "OK, so when are you less busy?" or call you again in two weeks and say "are you un-busy yet?" You could say "stay friends," that's about as clear as you can get without actually saying "I'm not attracted to you" (which, by the way, is the most ego-annihilating thing I can imagine anyone saying!), and it doesn't give him any room to believe that the problem is your hectic life as opposed to your lack of interest in him.

Gaaah. Back to homework now.

Andrea Julia · Coach

As you know, I am as clueless as you on this one. Normally I would say don't call, but the fact that he lives in your building makes it weird. But then a call might encourage him: if you say you want to be friends, he may think you want to really be friends and hang out all the time and eventually, maybe you will change your mind.

ETA: You know what? F*** it! Just don't call him. Why should you have to go through the uncomfortable chore of calling him and telling him you're not interested? You really don't owe him anything. Act friendly when you see him and just say you've been busy if he asks. It's too bad that you didn't run into him right after your date. It would have been easier to set the precedent of being "friends who only talk if they happen to run into each other".

-- Edited by Andrea Julia at 19:24, 2005-05-09

honey · Gucci

i think you should call him. as the other girls have pointed out, not calling him is going to make it way more awkward when you eventually bump into him again, and it seems like that is inevitable. wait until he's not home and leave a short sweet message. the most likely scenario is after you've sort of rejected him he'll go out of his way to avoid you. whereas if you leave it open ended, he might go out of his way to bump into you.

Andrea Julia · Coach

quote:
Originally posted by: honey
"i think you should call him. as the other girls have pointed out, not calling him is going to make it way more awkward when you eventually bump into him again, and it seems like that is inevitable. wait until he's not home and leave a short sweet message. the most likely scenario is after you've sort of rejected him he'll go out of his way to avoid you. whereas if you leave it open ended, he might go out of his way to bump into you."

Ohhh...perfect. I didn't even think of that. I think this is better advice than my previous post.

splash · Kenneth Cole

Yeah, as someone else said, I'd definitely leave a nice message when he's not there.

esquiress · Marc Jacobs

i just called, ugh. and he picked up, ugh. first we exchange random small talk. then he goes "yeah, i thought you didn't like me anymore" in my head i'm thinking yes that is exactly what it means when a girl doesn't return your calls but how am i supposed to answer that comment nicely?? i respond back "don't be silly, i've just been really busy" then he proceeds to ask me out again. i'm like "yeah that would be cool but i have no idea when i'll be free can i give you a call when my schedule clears up?" he's like "yeah sure" i'm like "ok, bye."

honestly you guys that was really painful. thank goodness it's over.

sephorablue · Marc Jacobs

do you have his email? maybe it's totally classless but could you just email him? I mean you DID try to let him down on the phone and he railroaded you with the un-respondable "you didn't like me anymore" line. Dense! Dense!

blink · Coach

oh you chickened out! he will be calling again, unless he somehow meets his dream girl between now and then, or suddenly gets a wave of pride in his heart. Sorry to say, this tactic never worked for me, and the majority of the time the buggaboo WILL be calling again if he has good reason to believe that 0.001% chance....which he does because you called him AND you refuted his bait about thinking you weren't interested AND you said seeing him when you had time would be "cool."

next time you talk to him, you have to tell him that you are currently interested in "somebody" else" and say something like you were thinking that you and he could just be friends anyway.

Andrea Julia · Coach

quote:
Originally posted by: esquiress
"i just called, ugh. and he picked up, ugh. first we exchange random small talk. then he goes "yeah, i thought you didn't like me anymore" in my head i'm thinking yes that is exactly what it means when a girl doesn't return your calls but how am i supposed to answer that comment nicely?? i respond back "don't be silly, i've just been really busy" then he proceeds to ask me out again. i'm like "yeah that would be cool but i have no idea when i'll be free can i give you a call when my schedule clears up?" he's like "yeah sure" i'm like "ok, bye." honestly you guys that was really painful. thank goodness it's over."

I think this phone call confirmed what he already knew when he said he thought you didn't like him anymore. Although you responded in such a way where you didn't exactly turn him down, if he is somewhat intelligent, he will see that as a brushoff. I like that you said that YOU would call HIM when your schedule clears up. That should prevent him from calling every few days to see if you are still busy. I think you are in the clear.

scarlett · Marc Jacobs

ouch, esquiress, this sounds so awkward! i hate these kinds of situations. it sounds as though you have handled it and hopefully he won't be calling you anymore. for me, the ignoring thing has almost never worked. if a guy ignores me i am quick to get it and leave him alone, but for some reason most of the guys i've tried ignoring were completely dense and stayed persistent. i hate that "sorry, i don't like you that way" phone call too, but i've found that usually that or the email are the only way to get the message across. it is painfully awkward, but then the relief of knowing you won't see his name pop up on your caller ID anymore makes it worthwhile!

good luck and i hope elevator guy is a thing of the past for you now. :)

esquiress · Marc Jacobs

ok you guys now he's starting to creep me out--

yesterday, around 9:30 at night i am driving home from work, i'm almost there and then decide to go to the grocery store. grocery trip goes fine. so then i'm driving, in the left lane, a few blocks away from home, and guess who text messages me? yup, him. the message says "hey shaiza! how's life in the fast lane? good i hope!"

i didn't respond, of course. but i did get creeped out that he might have been watching me read the message. now my best friend's like ok, it's not that creepy he just can't take a hint and you should've never called him back and you don't know that he saw you driving, maybe he just wrote that by coincidence.

ugh!

Andrea Julia · Coach

quote:
Originally posted by: esquiress
"ok you guys now he's starting to creep me out-- yesterday, around 9:30 at night i am driving home from work, i'm almost there and then decide to go to the grocery store. grocery trip goes fine. so then i'm driving, in the left lane, a few blocks away from home, and guess who text messages me? yup, him. the message says "hey shaiza! how's life in the fast lane? good i hope!" i didn't respond, of course. but i did get creeped out that he might have been watching me read the message. now my best friend's like ok, it's not that creepy he just can't take a hint and you should've never called him back and you don't know that he saw you driving, maybe he just wrote that by coincidence. ugh!"

I think it is creepy because he hasn't just let YOU call HIM as you said you would when you were less busy. As for him watching you read the message, he probably wasn't (at least I hope not). The 2 scenarios I came up with are (1) He was at home and by "life in the fast lane" he wasn't using it as a double-meaning, he was only referring to your busy and important life and it was a total coincidence. (2) he passed you on the road, but by coincidence and was making a joke.

If you just stop responding now, it won't be too long until he leaves you alone. You've already told him that you would call him when you are less busy, so you do not at this time owe him any phone calls.

esquiress · Marc Jacobs

thanks aj, i think you're totally right. and if he does call me again, i'm going to do exactly what lorelai said and say i met someone else. if he can't take the hint after that, i'm sending him that "just not into you" book!...just kidding...kinda

sephorablue · Marc Jacobs

wow this guy takes the cake for dense and annoyingly persistent! Sounds like his TM was just a coincidence though.

and honestly, if he doesn't leave you alone I would flat-out say you're not interested. You've tried several times to do it subtly but he has refused to take the hint. If you say you met someone else, he may wind up asking you, three weeks later, "so, you still with that other guy?" or whatever. I would make it totally clear that the only reason you can't see him is that you're not interested in him.

scarlett · Marc Jacobs

gross! not only does he not respect the boundaries you've tried to set, he's doing an excellent job of killing any residual attraction you may have had for him by coming on too strong. he sounds insecure. that, and the "i was afraid you didn't like me anymore" comment. another great way of turning you off.

like sephorablue said, you may end up having to flat out say you're not interested. i am sure you would say it in the nicest way possible. he just sounds pretty dense, unfortunately.