STYLETHREAD -- LET'S TALK SHOP!

sfcaligirl · Dooney & Bourke

to call or not to call....?

lynnie · Chanel

Hmm, maybe you shouldn't, but I wouldn't be able to resist. That's just my personality though, even if it hurts me later. Just be warned, you might start talking on a regular basis after that. Is he someone you could ever see yourself with again or vice versa? Would you still want to be friends if he was seriously seeing someone else or if you were? If no, you may just be using each other to fill the void of not having anyone important in your life right now. Some people are friends with their exes, some are not. I am not and I've never had a messy breakup or hated any of my exes. Just some things are better left in the past, you know? How long were you two together?

Karina · Chanel

i personally would not. you seem adamant about not wanting to start anything back up with this guy, and only calling him would spark something back up.. after a relationship like you described, its very hard to "be/stay friends" ..

Andrea Julia · Coach

quote:
Originally posted by: Karina
"i personally would not. you seem adamant about not wanting to start anything back up with this guy, and only calling him would spark something back up.. after a relationship like you described, its very hard to "be/stay friends" .. "

I agree.

Are you using his birthday as an excuse to yourself to call him? I'm a little unclear as to why you want to contact him on his birthday. I feel like you are using it as a reason to call and as kind of a timeline to call. I don't think it being his birthday is important enough of a reason to call him if you are not totally ready. If you were ready to talk to him, you would just do it now. You will not be a bad person if you let his birthday come and go without acknowledging it. He's a big boy.

To me, you don't sound ready to just be friends with him. If you were to call him now, you would probably end up in the type of relationship you were in before.

splash · Kenneth Cole

It sounds like you have such a strong connection that it would be really unfortunate to lose it. But if you're sure that you can be only, strictly friends, then you need to be sure you won't be upset to hear about his girlfriends and eventually attend his wedding. From experience, since I'm still good friends with all my ex-s, that can be harder than you think. I don't understand why you absolutely can't be a couple from your story - it sounds like you practically were until you moved. Is that worth discussing with him? Anyway, I think the distance gives you enough control, so calling would be okay. I think if you don't call for his b-day, he'll read that as a pretty significant ending of the relationship, rather than just time to think.

Drew · Gucci

Don't call him. You must cut ties. This reminds me of an alcoholic who just wants to have a glass of champagne at the party. It doesn't work. Old feelings swell up. You must cut all ties with him. Do you realize you may never fully get over this, even if you fall in love with someone else?

I fell in love at the very young age of 18. I know it was true love because I had no control and to this day I am scarred (its been about ten years now). Anyway, I pined for him for three whole years after the relationship was over (by the way, how crazy is this, but we only dated for a month -it was love at first sight). Then after all that time we still hooked up and it was messy. I wanted a friendship, anything with him; I just wanted him in my life somehow. I still wistfully think of him on rare occasions, even being fully 100% in love with the person I am with now.

My feeling is that once you truly love someone you will always love him. That can be messy no matter how much time has passed. Like, if I saw 1st love boy today I am sure I would be flustered. It is best to never see him, talk to him, or try to find him. And I only even allow myself to think of him on rare occasions (like maybe once a year).

Obviously your situation is different, but what I recognize as being the same is that you really, really love this guy. Protect your heart; remember the great times you had and all the wonderful things about him, but let him go from your life. It will be best for both of you. I don't even think being friends is a good idea.

ETA: I just wanted to add that I am friends with ex's, but I didn't love them as I loved 1st love boy or my SO. That makes all the difference IMO.

-- Edited by Drew at 11:00, 2005-04-27

crystal · Kate Spade

i have to agree w/ the others who have said don't call. i've been thru a similar situation & after we cut ties & he moved away neither of us talked again (w/o changing #'s). it's been 2 yrs & i've survived him not calling on my bday & i'm sure he's survived the same. not talking to him has helped me be open to other relationships because when he was around i wouldn't date anyone else (or he'd get mad, but that's another story). just don't call, wait til ur ready, if ever and talk then. it will be much less painful than calling on his bday where he may be surrounded by people when he gets the call & can't really talk.

poptart · Coach

First, let me say I'm sorry you are going through this. I'm in a similar situation, and it's rough.

But, I don't think you should call. I agree with the others that you don't have enough distance from the situation to approach it with a clear understanding of what you want from him and what you can expect from him. Until you know that, contacting him is setting yourself up for confusion, unmet expectations, hurt, and a failure to move on. For both of you, actually.

That being said, I can appreciate why you wouldn't want to let his birthday pass unnoticed. Send him a card, maybe write in it how much you appreciate him respecting your need to take some time, and let him know that you are looking forward to being back in touch when you feel ready, and that you hope he will still want to be a part of your life at that time. Wish him well, and continue your healing. In solitude.

HTH.

sephorablue · Marc Jacobs

I totally agree with the others. I think the time to resume the friendship, and it may take a really long time--is when he suddenly pops into your head one day and you go, "wow, haven't thought about HIM in ages! I used to be so hung up on him! Wonder what he's up to?" It sounds to me like until you have moved on to the point that you never think about him at all, talking to him or having any kind of relationship with him is going to be a source of pain. And there's a good chance that by the time you get to that point, you'll find you don't actually really NEED to have him in your life--and while that's a little sad on the one hand, it's also a good thing, cause it means you're really moving forward. As somebody else said, exes belong in the past, no matter the circumstances of the breakup. You did such a hard thing when you broke off contact and you KNOW you did the right thing, so don't jeopardize all your hard-won progress. He might be a little bummed but if he cares about you as much as he says he does, he will understand that you're not being callous and that you just need to protect your own feelings.

KE · Kenneth Cole

I have been through the same thing and though it is tempting-DON'T call. It will be a huge setback, though it might not seem like it now.

sfcaligirl · Dooney & Bourke

thank you all for your advice!

lynnie- we were together for basically our whole senior year of college. but, like i said, we were very much in each other's lives for about a year and a half after that- but we never got back together. i have dated a bunch of guys since him, but nobody has compared. in some ways, i could see myself wanting to be with him again because i care about him so much and we usually make each other really happy, but i'll be the first to admit that there would be issues in our relationship. i don't think he'd want to get back together- i think we both know that if we did, it would be serious. it's just not going to happen.

aj- i think maybe i am using his birthday as an excuse to call. and you're right, if i were truly ready to talk to him, i'd just do it.

splash- we do have such an incredible connection, that's what makes this all so hard for me. i really don't want to lose it. for a long time, i also didn't understand why we couldn't be a couple. i used to think that he just wasn't ready to be serious about somebody, but i think the issues go much deeper than that. he broke up with me very suddenly at the end of our senior year and i was devastated. i didn't help that his friends were saying, "i have no idea why he did this- he always told us how much he loved you." i still don't understand it. at this point, it's definitely not worth discussing anything beyond a friendship- we've had the discussion many times, it never works.

drew- you're right, of course. i should cut all ties. i know this, but it's still so hard. your situation sounds kind of similar to mine and you're right, i really do love him. and i've never had a problem remaining friends or letting other boyfriends go. but he's different because i care about him more than anyone else i've ever been with. i'm just frustrated because we broke up two years ago and i feel like i should be over this by now!

here's a little more background, just to explain the dynamic of our relationship and why i'm having such a hard time with this. he and i have definitely been through a lot together. while we were dating, my parents were getting divorced and he really helped me through that. his own family situation was less than ideal- he had wealthy, successful parents who were in a loveless marriage and made life at home miserable for him. he's very scarred from that. since he's not close to his family, his friends are everything to him- he considers them family. his parents finally separated over the summer and i think it's hitting him hard, even though it's for the best. i promised him that i'd be there for him since he helped me so much through my parents' divorce and now i feel like a neglectful friend. i want to be there for him.

i know that i need to take care of myself first and foremost. but i really want to see how he's doing. still a bad idea??

lsubatgirl · Gucci

I say send a card but don't be all mushy in it or anything along those lines if you want to remain in touch but not really in touch.

splash · Kenneth Cole

Well... It sounds like calling would be dangerous, now that I think more about it. But, you do have a strong connection and one that you want to keep available, it sounds like. So I think writing a card might be good. If you keep up only a written interaction, that gives you much more distance than the phone, since you can take time to react and figure out what you want to say.
(Rambling... Like Drew, I fell in love with a guy when I was 17. He cut the relationship off very suddenly, and although I was very upset, it was not in a way that I could blame him. I have to say I still think about him on occasion. It's not an option for me, but I wish I could still talk to him - I think at this point we could have a very strong friendship, and I am distanced enough by now that I could do that without worrying. )
So: if you think you need to make occasional contact to keep the option of a relationship open, write him a card. Do not actually talk to him until you know for sure that you can see him as only a friend. I think what's tripping you up (perhaps to state the obvious) is that you think of it as still maybe a romantic relationship, so you're keeping that place for him, rather than being able to move on.
BTW, one of my fav. books is The Cheerleader, which is about a HS couple that breaks up because of distance.. such a good book! And like the movie Casablanca, it's sad, and yet really comforting somehow... Sorry to ramble : )

blubirde · Chanel

I started to respond to this post earlier but I couldn't really articulate what I was thinking.

First, let me say I can see why this problem is the one that got you to post on this thread for the first time. It's a toughie.

Second, after reading everything you wrote, it sounds to me like you loved (still do love, whatever) this guy. And even after you broke up, you wanted to be with him. Your head may have told you no but your heart was saying yes. If I'm not incorrect, that's probably a big part of what your falling out was over - your heart and your head finally collided and you could see he wasn't willing to give you what you wanted and/or needed.

You cutting him out of your life sounds like a self-preservation thing. It sounds like it got so bad for you (one way or another) that the only way out of the negative cycle was to rid yourself of the temptation, wholly and completely.

So now the temptation is back. Or the temptation to tempt fate is back anyway. (That's a lot of tempting!) I think the bday is just an excuse. Of course both of y'all can live without acknowledging one another's birthdays. It could potentially be a very important step for you actually, to let something important go by and not let your world be ruled by some feeling of him. (If that makes any sense at all.) I say don't call on his birthday. I understand the want, but if you still feel like you need to dip your toes into his world again and see how it's going without you, do it on another day. Give him a week after his birthday and call him if you have to. It's like shopping. Leave the mall, give it a week. If you still really want it, go back and get it. Otherwise, let the temptation pass.

I think you still love him and it's like someone said about the alcoholic drinking one glass of champagne. It's possible one glass will never be enough.

Oh, and you are not a neglectful friend. You may not even be a friend to him at all. You have to figure out you before you can be there for someone else, no matter who it is. I don't mean that in a negative way, I mean that in a realistic way. It's quite possible the two of you will never be able to be friends because there's too much feeling involved. And that's okay. You don't have to be friends with him if it's not good for you. Think about yourself and your own self worth. You deserve to be surrounded by good things, not negativity and doubt and guilt. Worry about yourself before you worry about him.

HTHs!

Drew · Gucci

sfcaligirl, I think your just trying to rationalize the call. I think blubirde kind of hit on something when she said you might not even be a friend now. Certainly being a friend is imperative to having a good relationship, but when you are breaking off the relationship, the friendship needs to be re-worked. You can't just cut things off romantically and then go right into just being friends. Our hearts just don't work that way. We need time to heal. Even if consciously (sp?) you are telling yourself you only have his best interests at heart and you are doing it out of altruism, I think subconsciously you will be trying to win him back.

Sweetie, give yourself lots and lots of time to heal; distract yourself with other things - not him. He won't help you heal, he will only serve to hurt you so long as you want something from him he can't/won't give you.

PS. I have been in a cruddy mood (like a pit in my stomach) since "re-visiting" 1st love boy today. Like I said before, this may be something you never fully get over.

atlgirl · Gucci

My advice is not to call him. I don't think it's fair to you, and it certainly isn't to him - since you want to be the one in control of the situation, and he's allowing you to be.

If I were your ex, in that situation, and got a "Hey, happy birthday" call out of the blue, but then the person on the other end still said, "oh, after this, don't contact me, I'll call you when I'm ready" - I'd feel a bit used and like a puppet at your command, and I wouldn't like that very much. Nor, I suspect, would he.

I think Lisa had a great suggestion about sending him a card. But I wouldn't suggest calling him and roiling up his emotions again just to make yourself feel better. I know it's a hard situation and you want to be there for him, but it's better to continue to allow the distance you've initiated for now and call him when you *know* what you can be to him, and what you want him to be to you.

esquiress · Marc Jacobs

poor sfcaligirl, ((((((((extra-long, super-tight hug to you)))))))))))). here's my two cents, i agree w/ the other ladies' conclusion of don't call, a couple of additional thoughts:

1. you moved to cali from the east coast right? and i think you mentioned that you always thought you were a cali girl at heart but then moved and felt like people didn't really get you or something. my point in bringing that up is only to say that maybe you are homesick and that is contributing to you wanting to call him. i know i was definitely homesick when i had to move away for a while and my feelings for this one guy lasted so much longer because of my homesickness. anyway, my solution was to move back and date other people, maybe your solution could be to try to make cali your home and solidify your social network in cali? so you're not so lonesome and tempted to call? by the way, when you posted that you'd always felt like you were a cali girl but then moved to san fran. and people didn't seem to get you, i remember thinking that northern cali is definitely different than southern cali, and maybe you are more of a southern cali girl, but anyway that's a total tangent.

2. i think that when two people are in a romantic relationship, certainly part of that relationship is friendship but imo, it's impossible to ever just keep a romantic ex as a friend because you were never just friends. and i know it's tempting to want to keep that person in your life but just because something doesn't last forever doesn't mean it didn't matter--it did matter, it contributed to your identity and served a purpose in your life. so even if you never speak to him again, what you meant to each other in the past still existed. it's just time to move on is all.

good luck and know that we are here for you!

janey831 · Kate Spade

i understand the situation that youre in, because i myself am in it too, except i have not had the courage to distance myself from my ex, i admire you for you willpower. my ex is my best friend, and he sounds just like yours. that said, i think if u can control the situation and that you feel like you would be able to give him a nice happy birthday phone call without all of the emotional nastiness involved, then go for it! goodluck!

-- Edited by janey831 at 20:36, 2005-04-27

sfcaligirl · Dooney & Bourke

awww girls, thank you so much! i'm sorry i haven't responded yet to thank y'all for your wonderful advice and kind thoughts. work has been craaaazy the past few weeks so i've barely had time to post at all. aaand, i've been a little distracted by a new boy. but that's a whole other saga!

anyway, i wanted to let you all know that i'm definitely considering everything you have said and i value your opinions (strange to say that to people i don't even "know" in real life!). you are obviously very intelligent and caring women and i appreciate all of your input so much!

so his bday is almost here, and i haven't made an official decision. but at this point i don't think i'm going to call him. if i have to think about it this much, i'm probably not ready. i think i finally need to accept that he and i shared a very special connection at one time and we might not be able to sustain a friendship because of all the emotion attached to our relationship. everything we shared in the past (intimacy, etc) can't be ignored and it really complicates any attempts at friendship. thank you all for helping me see that! so i might email him- if i contact him at all.

esquiress, i'm so impressed that you remembered my feelings about moving out here from the east coast... so nice of you! you're right, i did say that i didn't feel like people "got me." but i'm not homesick- at least not anymore. it took me a while to adjust to west coast life, but i have definitely made it my home. obviously i miss my friends and family, but i'm not thinking about my ex because of loneliness- i have great friends out here and actually met an amazing guy who i really connect with (but he's moving!! arrrgh! that's a whole other story. i tell ya, it's never easy...). also, on the tangent, i think you're right- i'd be more of a southern cali girl... i hope to move there next!

thank you again everyone!!!