STYLETHREAD -- LET'S TALK SHOP!

This is long, possibly rambling, and with two parts, sorry...

First, thanks to those who wished me a happy birthday   This wasn't one of my best birthdays... Spent Friday with who I thought was one of my best friends and it ended in a fight and me going home early...  Saturday came and went without a call or card from my father, which was unusual for him.  I was worried that maybe something happened to him, so I called to make sure everything was all right, had to tell him he missed my birthday, and he explained how the "recurring event" entry of my birthday on his calendar expired, and that's why he missed it.  He then said, "well, I guess I won't bother to send a card" and I said, "you can do whatever you want to do." It just kind of sucks because this is my first birthday without my mother, and I go out of my way to do special things for my Dad on his birthday because I'm pretty much all he has.  Oh, and one of my greedy "aunts" called to wish me a happy birthday the day after my birthday -- must have wanted to prove she was close to me by wishing me a happy birthday -- on the wrong day... So, I'm trying to not feel sorry for myself. It's a waste of time, but I cannot deny that I feel sad.  I'll get over it, but I just wanted to vent.

Now for me feeling conflicted... A little back story: I was inseparable from "John" for 6 years (from 14-20 years old.)  John and I were so close we could have a conversation just by looking at each other.  I have never been closer to another human in my whole life.  However, I was young, the relationship was not perfect, and I broke up with him.  We did remain true friends and got together on occasion.  Our bond was so strong, I viewed him as a brother almost -- he was my family.  He ended up meeting a woman who got a teaching job in Oregon, and moved out there.  The last time I spoke to him was when he made that move.  I tried to track him down through mutual friends, but was hitting a dead end (this is prior to the internet as we have it today.) Four years after that move, a marriage and a four and two year old later, he died in an accident.  I found out the day of the funeral, raced out there and was embraced by his wife and his family.  Everyone knew how close we were, especially his wife.  She told me he had recently asked her permission to arrange to have me meet his kids.  She also told me stories about a ceramic ashtray I made in high school, and how she would threaten to break it when they got in a fight -- in other words it was his prized possession.  His wife's daughter from a previous marriage was very excited to meet me as she had heard all the stories about John and I and all the adventures we had.  I was a big part of his family, even though they had not met me.  The funeral was almost 13 years ago.  I left the funeral having exchanged contact information with his wife, wanted to be be in touch, but did not pursue the relationship, and did not hear from her either.  Needless to say, the situation was slightly awkward, but we knew we were the two most important people John ever had in his life.  Being the google master, I did track her down a couple of years ago, only to discover she relocated to the neighborhood I grew up in.  I do know that she knows the bond John and I had and that he wanted me to be a part of his family.  Fast forward to two weeks ago...  John's father died, and his mother died a week later. Knowing she settled in my hometown, most likely in an effort to be close to John's family (who he was actually estranged from as long as I knew him, regardless, she did what worked for her), I'm sure the death of his parents has had a huge impact on her and the kids.  I have had an overwhelming desire to reach out to her.  I did something I shouldn't have done too - I friended John's daughter on facebook, but did not write to her -- I was curious about her and she looks just like him and is into motorcross of all things -- into motorcycles just like her dad.  What I think I am going to do is write a letter to his wife and just be 100% honest (I'll leave off the facebook bit), let her know I know about John's parents, that felt strongly about reaching out to her and her kids, and see if she wants to be in touch.

I guess I'm not really looking for any advice, but I needed to vent...  I'm just really feeling sad and lost today.