STYLETHREAD -- LET'S TALK SHOP!

scarlett · Marc Jacobs

family conflict over dog

halleybird · Hermes

aww, poor stella! How big is she? If she'd have to go in the cargo hold to get to your mom's place, I'd say she's definitely better off at home. Also, it would be awful if you got out there and your brother had a major reaction or something. Do any local vets do kenneling? She might be too young for a boarding kennel, but I know a lot of vets do specialized kenneling. Good luck!

scarlett · Marc Jacobs

thanks, halleybird! she is three months old now. my parents house is only three hours away so we were going to drive there with her. maybe our vet would board her. i'll ask her about it. also, stella just had some minor surgery and i hate the idea of being away from her, although she will have totally recovered by the weekend in question.

i would feel horrible if my brother had an allergic reaction. as much as i want to bring her it would be awful if it affected him that way and i absolutely don't want to do that to him. it just feels more awkward because my dad keeps telling me i should bring her and to only talk to him about it, while my mom and brother keep telling me not to. i don't like being in the middle like that but i also don't want to cause any problems.

thanks for your input!

boobaby · Kate Spade

I wouldn't bring my dog if I thought he would upset someone. Some people are allergic and some just don't like dogs that much. One other option would be to find a pet sitter. A friend of mine does this and she either stays at the person's house or takes the dog home with her, depending on what the pet owner wants. I think she requires them to leave vet info, etc. in case something should happen. I've also known someone who just had a service come by 3 times a day. I wouldn't like that personally, but it is another option.

HeatherLynn · Gucci

I probably wouldn't take her. Even if your brother isn't allergic, him and your mom must feel uncomfortable about Stella coming since they are saying something. Since you are staying with them as a guest I wouln't take her because you are in their home. It's ashame though! Good luck and have fun wedding planning with your mom!

Deuce · Dooney & Bourke

That is a really though situation. Whenever I go to visit family I always take my dog with me. I have several friends who I dont get to visit as much as I would like because the dog cannot come. My mom doesnt have a fenced yard so my visits with her are shorter than they could be if I didnt have the dog. I will not kennel my dog. We tried it once and it was not good. I have kinda created a monster, because I have taken the dog everywhere with me and she is not used to being away from human contact that she really works herself up when confined. Fortunately my brother is great about taking the dog when I go out of town. I also found a great lady that does pet sitting in our area. She always books up fast because she will only take 1 dog at a time. This is great because I dont have to worry about issues with other dogs. She lets the dog in the house and even lets the dog sleep in the bed if that is what your dog is used to. I think it would be great if you could find someone like that for Stella to stay with.
Since Stella is young kenneling may not be a huge problem for her. It may even be good for her to get used to?? I know that some dog trainers offer kenneling at their homes or businesses too. I think this would give her more one on one time. I know my vet does not really give the dogs much attention.
This time I would not take the dog but I would find out more info for next time as to what the problem is. I know allergies are a factor here but if the dog is outside or in the garage most of the time I do not see the problem. I may be biased because my moms ex husband lied and said he was allergic to animals and I later found out that he wasn't, he just didt want my dog around. Hope everything works out.

scarlett · Marc Jacobs

thank you so much for the input, everyone!

this situation keeps getting worse and i don't know what to do. my fiance is now really mad at my brother and mom and said he won't come unless stella is welcome. i don't think we should force our dog on anyone but he says she is part of our family and he's personally offended my mom and brother don't want her there. they have a big house and yard and he thinks it's ridiculous we can't come and just limit her to one area.

there is so much backstory for why he's mad but generally speaking, my mom is a big worrier and she caused us to lose an apartment we really wanted in the fall and FH still holds that against her. (i posted about it back then: http://www.activeboard.com/forum.spark?forumID=44784&p=3&topicID=8974099)
so FH is still mad about that sometimes. and to be honest i do really wish we'd lived there too but there's nothing we can do about it now. so FH thinks she is worrying
for nothing, just like with the apartment, and he also feels like my brother gets
everything he wants while i don't. i don't really think that's true but my mom is definitely easier on my brother than she is on me.

and FH is also annoyed with my brother because of this family situation which has been going on for months now and is making everyone miserable. we haven't been able to focus much on our wedding and the whole point of this weekend is so FH and i can go to my hometown and do wedding stuff with my parents, like look at reception locations and my mom and i can look at dresses, etc. and i know my mom wants to do this but she is just so focused on the other situation that she doesn't have much emotional energy left for me. so FH thinks my brother should just suck it up and let us bring stella so i can finally have some time with my mom and dad to do wedding stuff, and the fact that he's not sucking it up makes FH think my brother is a selfish jerk. and now if FH really doesn't come home with me i won't be able to plan anything with him and my parents together. we may actually push back the wedding a few months. stella hasn't had all her shots yet so she can't be around other dogs, like at a kennel. maybe we could find a pet sitter but FH is refusing to do that.

i don't like FH being so mad about it -- i wish he would back down but i also wish my mom and brother would calm down. i just don't know what to do.

XtinaStyles · Marc Jacobs

Dogs come before people. Period. If they don't want the dog along with you guys, they don't need a million justified reasons. I love dogs but personally if family was visiting, I'd tell them to leave the pets behind!

Think of it this way, doesn't Stella deserve to make a grand entrance when she is introducted to your family? Why would you want her around people who don't want her around?

FH is being passive aggressive and is misdirecting anger. I don't think he's mad about the dog, just everything else and this is his excuse to back out.

I would try to find a friend to give the keys to my place to, have them come in and feed her/take her for a walk. Give the person money or a small gift in exchange.

Kelly · Hermes

As disappointing as it will be, I think you should keep Stella behind, too. Maybe suggest that she stay in the yard during the day and be confined to a crate at night in the garage - but if they still don't want to do that, then it would be a bit rude to bring her. You don't know how severe your brother's allergies are, and maybe they're not bad at all - but you don't know that, and as long as he's convinced that they're bad enough that you shouldn't bring your dog, he's going to be really offended if you bring her against his wishes/good health (regardless of how much it would actually hurt him to have here there). Plus, I think a lot of people who generally like playing with dogs at other people's houses don't like having dogs in their own house. Just like how some people like kids but that doesn't mean they want to babysit them all weekend. I love my doggy to pieces and truly enjoy my family/friends' dogs, but I would be less than thrilled to have a strange dog staying in my house for a couple days. And I'm a dog-lover....people who are indifferent or allergic to them probably would feel even more invaded.

I'd see if a friend will stop by a few times a day to visit Stella. Maybe even enlist two so it's not a big burden on just one person.

-- Edited by ttara123 at 18:03, 2007-08-13

Elle · Hermes

12 wks is really young to be leaving a dog without nearly full-time care, so I feel your situation! We left our puppy at about that age, and 'hired' my SIL to stay at our house with her full time. She got the time off work and we paid her what she would have made. Um, expensive! But worth the peace of mind it gave us.

I'd also maybe contact your vet's office - she is too young to be accepted at a boarding kennel, but lots of times the vets, techs, or assistants at the vet's office take animals home with them in special circumstances. Or if you're in puppy training and like your trainer, sometimes they'll take care of them as well.

Another option would be to call around for a hotel (maybe an extended stay?) that allows pets. As long as you have her crate for when you're gone, usually they're fine with it. An added expense for you of course, but might be cheaper than paying someone to watch her while you're away. And if things get stressful at home or you want out of some obligation, you can always need to take Stella for a walk ...

.

scarlett · Marc Jacobs

the more i think about this the more i see i just can't force stella on my family. it's wrong for her and for them. it would be nice if they'd come around but they are all so stressed out already and i don't want to add to it.

my grandparents live in the same town and they might be open to letting us stay with them. they always had dogs when my dad and his brothers were growing up and they were really excited about us getting a puppy. if/when i ask them, i will emphasize that they are under no obligation to say yes.

thank you for all of your advice! and FH agrees he was being too mad about it and has calmed down.

kittenheels · Coach

I like your proposed solution a lot! I hope you have a great time and good luck dress shopping!

atlgirl · Gucci

XtinaStyles wrote:

Dogs come before people. Period.

I sincerely hope this is a typo and you meant people come before dogs. I love animals too, but I am severely allergic and if someone (family or friends) wanted to come and visit, but couldn't stand to leave their pet behind, I'd direct them to several hotels in the area.

DH's family visited this summer and our 14 y/o niece wanted to bring her dog. We told her we are not set up for dogs - no fenced yard, etc - and that it was best to leave the dog at home. I don't actually know what arrs. they made (I assume my 18 y/o niece, who didn't travel with the rest of the family, cared for it).

HeatherLynn · Gucci

atlgirl wrote:

XtinaStyles wrote:

Dogs come before people. Period.

I sincerely hope this is a typo and you meant people come before dogs.

Based on her statements after that I'm thinking it was a typo too. =)

Suasoria · Chanel

I'm going to have to go with the "dog stays at home" crowd, if your grandparents are against your staying with them. I just don't think you should force an animal on people if you're a guest.

I usually have a cat/house sitter stay at my place when we go away, and it seems to be the best solution for everyone including the cat. The vet can probably recommend someone if you don't have anyone in mind. Even a quiet college student who lives with his/her parents is a good bet, since they appreciate the "alone time." (Lock up the liquor.)

XtinaStyles · Marc Jacobs

HAHA WHOOPSIE, total reversal there.

Correction, people come before dogs.