STYLETHREAD -- LET'S TALK SHOP!

Kitty · Hermes

Whoa..what just happened?

greca · BCBG

Hello Bitter- party of one!!!

ugh, people like that really piss me off...

Hi Kitty- You did nothing wrong, so don't feel bad about anything...I think your friend is obviously suffering from a classic case of jealousy- and that sucks, because I agree with you, true friends should be happy for one another instead of being bitter. Sounds to me like she's the one with the issues, and her insecurity about other people's finances- and even jeans- is making her bitter.
Personally, I consider people like this to be toxic because their jealousy and bitterness can poison friendships...She may be a good person- I don't want to judge w/out knowing her personally- but her resentment may be getting in the way...
I would just try to ignore her and surround yourself by positive people...and keep rocking those seven jeans, girl!

Kelly · Hermes

You're definitely not overreacting. If she disapproves of how you spend your money, or how anyone else does, she should keep her mouth shut. Saying that she doesn't do things the way you do - and then saying that it's because what she focuses on is far more important - is judgemental and mean on her part. She's insulting you to your face and then wondering why you're upset?

Farrah · Marc Jacobs

She sounds like she totally sucks. I would tell her to go scratch. That's just how I roll

...

Anyway, maybe if she spent some time on her appearance she would have some self esteem and she wouldn't be so damn bitter. You guys are obviously growing apart, it happens to a lot of friends. Some people evolve and become more fabulous as they age and others get bitter and become jackasses. You obviously are the former and your friend is the latter.

member · Hermes

I had a friend like this. She was totally a toxic friend and because of all her judmental comments and bitterness (she made similar comments those of your friend) I totally distanced myself from her and now we only talk on birthdays and every once in a great while. I just don't need bitter people who are jealous and can't be happy for me in my life. I've learned that I'd rather have 5 great girlfriends, then a whole bunch of crappy, toxic ones. I used to think my friend would change too, but she never did. I used to have similar type of convos w/her as well and all it did was upset me, and I always wound up apologizing for things I didn't even do. Don't waste your time. She's totally just jealous of you and your fabulousness. I agree w/Farrah - tell her to go scratch!

sephorablue · Marc Jacobs

you are not overreacting at all, she is transparently jealous and putting you down, and your other friends, to make herself feel better! I agree with the other girls, this does not sound like someone you need in your life, at least not the extent she has been before now.

AllieGurl · Marc Jacobs

She sounds like the type of girl that likes to say toxic things because she needs to feel "better" than others.

And in my world , there isnt room for toxic people. You totally did the right thing. Standing up and pointing out someone who makes negative comments isnt easy but sometimes it has to be done.

NCshopper · Hermes

As my dad always says, there's no such thing as a superiority complex. When someone acts superior, it's because they feel inferior in other aspects of their life and I think that's what you have going on in this situation. My hunch is that she feels insecure about how much she makes or about her own finances. I totally agree with the others that she's jealous.

Before dumping her as a friend, see if you can salvage the friendship. Don't talk about money with her or around her. If you see the subject coming up, subtly (or not so subtly, depending on the situation) steer the conversation to another subject. If she eventually gets the hint, great! Hopefully you guys can move on. If she doesn't get the hint or finds something else to be negative about, then see ya!

squishy · Coach

NCshopper wrote:
Before dumping her as a friend, see if you can salvage the friendship. Don't talk about money with her or around her. If you see the subject coming up, subtly (or not so subtly, depending on the situation) steer the conversation to another subject. If she eventually gets the hint, great! Hopefully you guys can move on. If she doesn't get the hint or finds something else to be negative about, then see ya!

i agree with nc, since she probably has some other redeeming qualities (why else would you be friends with her, right?). hopefully, she can go a week without saying something negative/bitter/petty. if not, adios.

but damn, she's really playing the martyr in that e-mail. yeesh.

Kitty · Hermes

Thanks everyone for your responses!

I agree she is toxic. This is actually an ongoing problem between the two of us. I probably wouldn't even be friends with her if she wasn't friends with all my other friends, ya know? She's always around and invited to the same things I am, so it's hard to completely cut her out. I am definitely going to try to ignore her more, though.

blink · Coach

Wow, not only is this friend of yours bitter-tongued, by the looks of her email to you she is lacking in humility too. See, I myself have a tendency to sound judgmental sometimes (to a far lesser degree though, I would not say the things this girl said), but when somebody calls me out on it, I listen and apologize! Sometimes I call myself out on it! It sucks that she doesn't seem to see any room for self-improvement in the judgmental department.

I don't know enough about you or her to say this, but it sounds like you could still be her friend, just add a little more distance, because obviously she doesn't want closeness with good, honest and kind friends.

scarlett · Marc Jacobs

You didn't do anything wrong. She sounds so defensive and bitter in her email to you, and her history of making comments like that shows she is jealous or even mean-spirited. You don't need someone like that in your life.

exsupahero · Kate Spade

I personally think that if you can cut her out, you should. I understand the bitterness (I can be pretty bitter sometimes, tbh!) but really though, if she thinks everyone is out to attack her, then she isn't worth your time. Instead of being like, "Oh, I didn't realize I can be so negative," she's like, "well, you are being a b*tch to me, and if you're not going to cut me some slack, then stop talking to me." I am who I am...

She's so childish.

blubirde · Chanel

sephorablue wrote:

you are not overreacting at all, she is transparently jealous and putting you down, and your other friends, to make herself feel better! I agree with the other girls, this does not sound like someone you need in your life, at least not the extent she has been before now.

ITA. I think it's great you called her out on her bad behavior. Did she ever respond to your email?

Kitty · Hermes

She did, and she tried to say that the reason she was pointing out negative stuff was to keep a realistic perspective and that the reason she's doing that is because her fiance often times compares himself to other people and she has to remind him that not everyone has it that great or that people have different priorities.

I dunno, it just sounded like BS, really.

XtinaStyles · Marc Jacobs

I don't know... I can almost see where your friend is coming from. Alot of times I see what people spend and all the cool things they have and it makes me so upset to see that I can't have those things myself. Then again, I would never blame a person for their expenses or call them out, or make myself sound more important than them.

I think she is dealing with feeling inadequate financially, and it makes her sad/jealous when she sees that her peers are doing better than her. She then takes a dig at you guys in order to level the playing field. I would sit down and talk to her about it, if you guys are good friends. I don't think its about the hatred for your friends but rather a hatred for herself or her lifestyle. Maybe this is something she hasn't realized and can work on it...

joy0302 · Kate Spade

I feel your pain, because I have been in the same situation where a couple of girls in the group were toxic and I ended up having to distance myself from the whole group. You deserve freinds that are going to be really happy for you when you get things that you want, not just pretend to be happy or put you down for them. She should not be trying to talk crap to you just because you do something nice for yourself and if she was really your friend she would not treat you like crap.

I would not feel bad at all if I were you. She is bitter and jealous of you! Next time just tell her oh well you have different priorities as far as money goes and that you can multitask and worry about all the aspects of your life, including looking fabulous!

kittenheels · Coach

Yikes. That is really negative. I don't think you did anything wrong, but I would minimize contact with this person. You don't deserve that sort of toxicity in your life!

redleaf · Nine West

Wow, she is SO JEALOUS of you! I totally understand how you feel. I know everyone has different priorities, but she didn't have to make you or anyone uncomfortable in public. i don't talk about my purchases sometimes just because I am afraid people judge me just because I can afford something.

At the same time, I do feel jealous of people quite often. I just never say that. I think she needs to understand she is just destroying her self-esteem by attacking people.

HAPPY SHOPPING, anyway!