STYLETHREAD -- LET'S TALK SHOP!

Mandy · Kate Spade

friend question (long)

blubirde · Chanel

She did something really sucky to you. She was in a bad place, etc., etc., etc. Fine. Forgiving something like that (even if it happened a lifetime ago) takes work. Are you willing to work on a friendship with her and put aside the past? If not, don't email her. If so, go for it.

It's not fair to start talking with her in hopes of rehashing the past, imo. You should go into a new friendship with her with a clean slate, otherwise don't bother. If it were me, I wouldn't bother, esp. if we haven't talked all these years. That said, I've had close friends do some really crappy things to me when their lives were at a serious low point. Because we were such good friends, we worked through it. But honestly, if that tie isn't there, for me, it wouldn't be worth the trouble.

Good luck - with whatever path you choose.

member · Hermes

I could go either way w/this one. I had two highschool friends, who both did pretty crappy things to me, lost touch w/both, one found me through My Space it turned out great. We've reconnected and both moved on from the past. The other friend, I just didn't bother with - she's a crappy person and I don't think she's worth the effort.

I guess what I'm saying is, is this girl worth the effort? The whole thing w/her messing around w/your ex would be enough for me to just forget her. Plus, if you meant that much to her, and she was sorry about everything, why hasn't she tried to contact you? Let her make the effort. You didn't do anything wrong.

If you do decide to try to reconnect w/her, I do agree w/bluebirde - don't rehash the past w/her - I just think it's pointless and was a long time ago. There's nothing she can do to change it, and what would you really gain from hearing her side? Good luck and let us know what you decide!

AllieGurl · Marc Jacobs

I will put this as simply as I know how.

Is what you are actually missing/wanting to reconnect with the time in your life that you already had?

You may find that as you have grown up and moved on, so did that friendship. I personally wouldnt be contacting her.

Kelly · Hermes

I did something really horrible to my friend the day before our high school graduation. We were best friends basically the first couple years of high school, but she kind of faded out of my life during senior year. We were still friendly, but nowhere near as close as we had been. Still, it was an awful thing for me to do.

And we haven't talked since.

I don't know if we would've talked since anyway, since we had drifted apart towards the end of high school, but since I found out that she discovered what I did to her, I've had no desire to contact her. Not that she's not a great person, but I'm just so nervous about it coming up even though it was years ago. I got really nervous when she asked to be my facebook friend, even though that was all it was and she never sent me any kind of personal message or anything. Honestly, I'm afraid of seeing her again. I'm so ashamed of what I did.

So I guess I'm saying that if you want to be friends with her, go ahead. But don't bring up the past. At least not at first. Wait a long time, until you have a bond again, to even go there. Because I know that if I had lunch with my old friend or something, and she even as much as mentioned what I did to her, I'd be so embarassed and ashamed that I'd avoid her like the plague after that. If you want her as a friend, you need to work through your feelings about the past, or at least have the capability to keep the past out of your friendship for a very long time.

Mandy · Kate Spade

Thanks ladies. For now, I'm going to refrain from contacting her. I think what I really want is an explanation, and I realize I'm not going to get that.

Suasoria · Chanel

You've made up your mind and that's cool. I'm compelled to say that I've been on both sides, and I'm glad that most of my friends and I from back in the day learned that at that stage, guys and drama are meaningless, friendships aren't.

Maybe in your case not enough time has passed to see the forest for the trees. If you think it has, then as Allie says you're entitled to decide if rekindling this friendship would feed you in any way. If not, and all you need from her is an explanation, not a friendship, you're right. Fugeddaboudit.

At the risk of making you feel bad, here's a possible explanation. They got to know each other because of you, and when you were "off" with this guy, and he was hurting, she tried to be there for him. Yes, there are good and bad ways to do that, but to a certain extent, when you're a girl, having your own problems, you don't know the difference. I slept with a friend's ex once because we BOTH were missing her badly. I loved her dearly, still do, and she won't have anything to do with me after almost 20 years. She didn't even go to our HS reunion because of me! So I can't tell you what to do, just that at some point either this is all over and done with, with nobody living in the past, or it isn't. For all three of you.