STYLETHREAD -- LET'S TALK SHOP!

theotherjess · Chanel

RE: ugly topic

Teresa · Kate Spade

-- Edited by collegegirl5858 at 17:50, 2007-07-15

Dizzy · Marc Jacobs

collegegirl5858 wrote:

I guess I should add that the wife told her she didnt believe her. I guess I'm so protective of her because she always reminded me of myself when I was younger. I know she dealt with an eating disorder that put her in rehab for quite awhile, and she was a victim of a sexual assult that was on the local news channel (aka everyone and their brother knew about it) neither of these give her excuses for doing what she did, but it sure putes a "perfect target" sticker on her forehead for the husband. Okay, I think its time to let go.

Yeah, that's the situation I was picturing. It really isn't about the girls age though. It's about the fact that she's paying for something that both of them did. Even if the guy's wife leaves, he'll still be a fairly attractive prospect on the dating scene. He'll have to pay alimony, but that's not as big a burden as it used to be. Actually, Esquire did a piece on how marketers and single women are goign after divorced men right now, because of all the benefits.

But this girl could end up scarred for life. It's crap. And I don't like the implications for our society. She had sex with someone she shouldn't have. I have never done what she did either. But I can guarantee you I've done things that were stupid. And so has everyone who is judging her. (when I was 17, I was unknowingly dating a drug dealer. That's pretty damn stupid. But I didn't have to pay with ostracization). I don't want to live in a world where girls are treated like that. Like whores who have ruined their lives if they make the wrong sexual decision. She messed up. Who hasn't? Get over it.

squishy · Coach

collegegirl5858 wrote:
I guess I should add that the wife told her she didnt believe her. I guess I'm so protective of her because she always reminded me of myself when I was younger. I know she dealt with an eating disorder that put her in rehab for quite awhile, and she was a victim of a sexual assult that was on the local news channel (aka everyone and their brother knew about it) neither of these give her excuses for doing what she did, but it sure putes a "perfect target" sticker on her forehead for the husband. Okay, I think its time to let go.

that is so horrible. i'm not saying i excuse her for what she did; i would smack her for being stupid, but i'd CASTRATE that s.o.b. and milk him for every penny he's worth. i hope she's doing ok, despite the circumstances.

and ditto on the promiscuity double standard (girls are sluts, boys are studs). hate!

sephorablue · Marc Jacobs

Dizzy wrote:
But this girl could end up scarred for life. It's crap. And I don't like the implications for our society. She had sex with someone she shouldn't have. I don't want to live in a world where girls are treated like that. Like whores who have ruined their lives if they make the wrong sexual decision. She messed up. Who hasn't? Get over it.

Dizzy, I totally agree with you on this. I'm so tired of seeing women being called whores for making stupid decisions. By other women half the time, not just men. I'm sick to death of women being called whores, period--the fact that there's no comparable insult for a man tells you everything you need to know. It makes me so, so angry.

luckylily · Gucci

collegegirl5858 wrote:

I guess I should add that the wife told her she didnt believe her. I guess I'm so protective of her because she always reminded me of myself when I was younger. I know she dealt with an eating disorder that put her in rehab for quite awhile, and she was a victim of a sexual assult that was on the local news channel (aka everyone and their brother knew about it) neither of these give her excuses for doing what she did, but it sure putes a "perfect target" sticker on her forehead for the husband. Okay, I think its time to let go.

Ah, I wondered if there might be more to the girls story. This changes things for me a bit, because while a 17 yo should know better, a girl w/ this history probably doesn't have the skills to cope w/ this situation. Further, it makes it even more disgusting that he took advantage of her.

Dizzy · Marc Jacobs

Thanks Sephorablue. I was worried I sounded too militant or something

boobaby · Kate Spade

Considering the girl's background and age, I would say the husband was venturing into "predator" territory.

blubirde · Chanel

sephorablue wrote:

Dizzy wrote:
But this girl could end up scarred for life. It's crap. And I don't like the implications for our society. She had sex with someone she shouldn't have. I don't want to live in a world where girls are treated like that. Like whores who have ruined their lives if they make the wrong sexual decision. She messed up. Who hasn't? Get over it.
Dizzy, I totally agree with you on this. I'm so tired of seeing women being called whores for making stupid decisions. By other women half the time, not just men. I'm sick to death of women being called whores, period--the fact that there's no comparable insult for a man tells you everything you need to know. It makes me so, so angry.

I agree with both of you. And Dizzy, you don't sound militant at all! Just smart. I also agree with boobaby that the husband is bordering on a predator. I read a bunch of studies for a class once about women who have been sexually abused and their future relationships - especially the bad ones. Predator men (from random men to seemingly normal married men) see "victim" on some girls from miles away. It's disgusting and extremely unfortunate but it's true.

Back to the situation at hand, I'm surprised (but not really) by the women's reactions in the neighborhood. Call me crazy, but isn't there a contingency of women willing to blame a man for cheating on his wife, no matter who it was with? I find this kind of situation appalling. Yeah that girl knows better than to sleep with a married man but come on. She's 17. She's not exactly the epitome of good decision making. He, on the other hand, has no excuse at all. None whatsoever. This girl should be treated as if she got dicked over, not the other way around because she did. He messed with her knowing she was an easy target. She's to be pitied, not blamed.

For anyone interested, I highly recommend the book Slut! Growing Up Female with a Bad Reputation. It's a study of and stories about women bearing the brunt of the ramifications from sexual behavior. It's a great book.

boobaby · Kate Spade

I agree, Blubirde. I also think what the husband did was criminal depending on the laws of the area. He is an adult. She is a minor. That is statutory rape. I'm not saying the girl would want to or should feel pressure to press charges. That is a personal decision. But, considering her age, her parents could choose to press charges, I believe.

I just find it sad that the women of the community would blame her. I have seen a lot of reckless behavior from young women, and it does seem that they are always vilified.

-- Edited by boobaby at 10:03, 2007-02-26

Mandy · Kate Spade

I think its terrible that the women blame her. It seems that happens a lot, people always blame the other woman. The few times I've seen that show Cheaters (crappy TV I know) they always go crazy trying to attack the other woman, but never their partner.

Boobaby, In most states the age of consent is 16 or 17 so while creepy, its most likely not illegal.

Do you think the reason that she is being shunned so much is because she upset the status quo? Its like life was fine before everyone knew that and the wife would rather be blissfully ignorant. Maybe they are more angry for her coming out about it than doing it.

XtinaStyles · Marc Jacobs

ttara123 wrote:

They are both at fault, but the man more so. He was the one who made a promise to stay true to his wife - the girl didn't make a promise to anyone. But she still should've known better.

I definitely think she did something horrible, but not solely, and he was more at fault.

Totally agree - to me, the person in the relationship is more to blame. The other person doesn't have as much to lose. The most that she risked was her job as a babysitter, the man can lose his wife, his family, etc.

CjStar · Nine West

That man slept with a child. If it would my husband I would encourage the family to press charges because if an grown adult slept with my child Iwould press charges. This is not unlike teachers sleeping with students IMO, he was in a position of trust and authority.

blink · Coach

I blame them both, just in different degrees. The man is probably a sociopath who is beyond help, total scumbag, period. The teenage girl certainly knew better, but fell victim to either her hormones, impulses, insecurities, etc. I think individual consideration is important, but in general, I do think a 17 year old is capable of seducing an older guy. In my teens, I had some promiscuous girlfriends who went after guys ten years older than them, I thought the guys were sleazy to go for it, but I wouldn't call them predators.

eta: I wouldn't want her to babysit for my family either, regardless of my level of trust in my husband, if you can't trust her not flirt or sleep with a married man...

-- Edited by lorelei at 23:37, 2007-03-12