STYLETHREAD -- LET'S TALK SHOP!

I usually don't post in this section because I don't really know anything about relationships, but I had some thoughts.  To me, it sounds like your mom is putting pressure on you to date certain people so you won't be as lonely as she (presumably) is.  Obviously, you know what's best for yourself, but since she doesn't do much dating of her own, she probably feels like she can somehow live through you and your love life.  I think this is just an example of your mother being protective--she wants her baby to settle down and have the life that she didn't have.

As far as her constantly pestering you, is it possible that you could set up a time each week to get together and limit contact to just that?  If you had a Saturday brunch or something with her every week, she might feel less needy.  If she kept calling you, you could just tell her that you are super busy but can't wait to catch up on the weekend (or whenever). 

blubirde wrote:

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What about some kind of family counseling? I was going to suggest you write her a letter so you can say everything that needs to be said without interruption, but I pictured a potential reaction to that letter and it wasn't pretty. So what about conseling? Is that something that she'd go for?

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Doubtful. She doesn't think that there's a problem. I tried to say something again tonight and she just gets unreasonable and tells me that I'm being mean. I can't say anything that I'm not 'being mean.' And I'm just getting more and more frustrated with the situation. I'm starting to think that I need a therapist just to deal with everything that's going on b/c I'm feeling like I'm starting to unravel from all the pressure.  

 

I really think some boundries need to be set. I know you love your mom and all, but by not having the conversation and sparing her feelings you are hurting yourself. I have issues with my mother and sometimes if feel like it is easier to let things go so I don't have to deal with her reaction. I usually end up completely and utterly miserable and a huge fight errupts when I cannot take it anymore. I think counseling would really help, and maybe after you go for a while and she knows you can say something about wanting her to go for a joint session and you really think it would help you (so it sounds like she is helping you and it is not her problem). If she won't go at least you can get some advice on how to set boudries. If you opt for not counseling (I know you keep pretty busy) I think you have 2 options. I huge blow out where you tell her everything and tell her what is ok as far as amount of phone calls and prying into your life, or you can start doing it bit by bit. Like mom no more phone call or messages before x time in the morning on weekends. And then move on to if you call me once, leave a message I promise I will call you when I have time, but the excessive calls and messages are inconvienent.

Sorry you have to go through this. I know moms are wonderful and we are lucky to have them, but they can really make a girl crazy!!

That's tough.  It sounds to me like maybe she doesn't have enough going on in her own life.  It also sounds like no matter what guy you end up with, she's going to find fault with him because she wants you to herself so you can be BFF forever.  Not that she doesn't want you to be happy, but she just wants a pal, ya know?

Does she have friends?  Does she belong to a gym or book club or knitting group or anything?  Maybe you can suggest (tactfully, obviously) that she get out and about and do something else with her time.  Counseling will probably help you figure out how to cope with this better without it taking its toll on you and your health. 

Good luck.  I think mother/daughter relationships are inherently a little more difficult than a lot of our other relationships. 

NCshopper wrote:

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That's tough. It sounds to me like maybe she doesn't have enough going on in her own life. It also sounds like no matter what guy you end up with, she's going to find fault with him because she wants you to herself so you can be BFF forever. Not that she doesn't want you to be happy, but she just wants a pal, ya know?

Does she have friends? Does she belong to a gym or book club or knitting group or anything? Maybe you can suggest (tactfully, obviously) that she get out and about and do something else with her time. Counseling will probably help you figure out how to cope with this better without it taking its toll on you and your health.

Good luck. I think mother/daughter relationships are inherently a little more difficult than a lot of our other relationships.

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I agree with you. She has friends, but she works 60+ hours a week, so she doesn't get to spend much time with them. When she's not working, she pretty much stays at home, or bugs me to come visit, even if I have other things going on. With all the hours she works, though, she doesn't really have time to join any social groups or anything, especially since she doesn't have a set work schedule. I wish she did because I think she'd meet people and have more things to do. 

 

 

 

So much good advice here.

Does the fact that she obsesses over you and obsesses over work (60 hours a week!) lead anyone to the conclusion that she's just obsessive in general? She does need help. So do you, just to deal with her being so obsessive. Frankly, I think she's being abusive toward you.

The advice on setting a weekly date with her is excellent, and as Ttara said, blowing her off when it isn't "her time." One kind way to do this is to admit that you feel you haven't been as attentive toward her as you could be, you're so distracted by work and other dramas, so can you get together Thursday night, or Saturday brunch, just the two of you? When you can't talk, it's because you "want to" give her your full attention but you can't at the moment. No excuse necessary (and it would just lead to more questions).

The weekly meeting is something she can look forward to. Keep the conversation about her, about politics, the Red Sox, the sale at Macy's, about soybeans, about anything except YOU.

I confess I'm not aware of what's going on with the men in your life, but that's a topic that should be off-limits to her. If she asks, the guy in question is moving to Istanbul. If she takes anything to an uncomfortable level, to the point that she cries, goes postal, and can't do her job, back way off - do anything other than fuel her obsession with more personal details. Say you've told her the facts and that's it. Remember she's sick and out of control, so you have to stay in control.

If this sounds shallow and unfeeling, so be it. Like I said, I think the behavior is abusive.

I'm so sorry you are feeling pressured by your mom. Mother-daughter relationships can be so hard sometimes! :(

My mother is retired, and though she keeps busy, I think that she, too, doesn't have enough to do. She tends to go overboard on the phone calls and e-mails from time to time. And she knows how to use the guilt tool very well, too. But as I've gotten older, I've refused to give in to feeling guilty, but instead I was just getting mad at her. We're in a better place now, but this went on for a looooong time (she retired in 1999!).

What finally worked best for me was to just really freeze her out - it was kind of unintentional (or maybe unconsciously intentional!) but I'd not respond to calls or e-mails for much longer than she was used to. And at first, she'd ramp up the attempts to reach me. And she'd leave these annoyed, disappointed messages on vm. But that still didn't make me call. Eventually I guess she got to a place where she realized that wasn't working. Now she waits for me to respond and she's really happy when she does hear from me. And of course, since she's not putting negative behavior out there, I'm happy to respond a bit sooner. But this didn't happen overnight...it was more like over the course of a couple of years. So...you might try it, but be prepared to keep it up for a while if you don't get the results you want at first.

At this point in your life, your mom's behavior is really inappropriate and pushing the mother-daughter boundaries. Your relationships, both good and bad, are *yours*, not hers. And unless you're seeking her out for advice, she has no business offering any. She's manipulating and controlling you with this behavior. But you are going to have to be the one who stops it.

I had to give her major details about both guys that I wouldn't have otherwise given had she not been overreacting

It's *your* choice whether or not to tell her the details of any of your relationships, or of your life in general, no matter how much she's overreacting. The trick with people who are manipulators and drama queens (funny how those two qualities almost always go hand in hand) is that if you don't feed that AT ALL, they'll have to stop and try something different, because they won't get the results they crave. They continue to use that behavior because it works for them. Don't let it work for your mom anymore. I know you're strong and independent and you can do this, even though it probably won't be easy, and she will likely pull out all the stops before realizing that it's no longer working.

Also, I think that counseling would be a good option for you, as someone else previously mentioned. Not only can it help you with other ways to handle your mom, but it will likely help you resolve or work through some of your issues with her. I can completely understand why you're feeling anxious, stressed, and depressed, especially if this behavior of hers has been going on for a long time. There's probably some anger in there too, which is normal. And it can be a relief to discuss it (or vent it) with a neutral third party.

Hang in there!! You sound like you're in a good place in your life otherwise. Now you just have to re-train your mom! *hugs*

 

 

Glad things are better for you, both in the mom and the man department.  :)

I didn't even look at the original date. I assumed that it was new, since it was at the top of the pile when I last logged on. Next time I'll pay closer attention.