STYLETHREAD -- LET'S TALK SHOP!

Sevilla · BCBG

how to deal with the opposite problem...

jacL · Coach

It sounds as if she doesn't like him. Do you know if she acts this way with her other friends and their significant others?

Sevilla · BCBG

jacL- yes, she does do this with other friends' SOs, but not as bad as with mike. it may be because he tried to knock some sense into her last year about how she needed to get out of a bad relationship she was in, and she just didn't want to hear it at the time, but still, i don't think that's any excuse. he is a wonderful guy, is so great to me, and all of my friends love him.

i just don't get it, and it's really starting to piss me off.

AllieGurl · Marc Jacobs

When you are married your SO is part of the friendship by default. Now when she wants to spend time just the 2 of you I think that is completly fair. However, If every time she is around she wants to exclude him then that is a problem.

Try to talk it out with her. Let her know that one on one time is great, but mike is going to be your husband and there will be times when he will be coming along.

My hubby and I do at least 2 nights out a month where we go out with friends and not each other. But all the rest of the time we are together. You have to find a good balance, you time and time as a couple. She is going to have to deal with that.

Kelly · Hermes

definitely agree with everyone. Time alone with your girlfriends, away from any BFs, DHs, or FHs is very important. But being married or about to be married means you come as a package deal even more than people who are just dating. How does she act when a bunch of people go out, including your FH? I don't know if you have that situation often, because it sounds like she lives kind of far away... but I guess I'm just wondering if she's against your FH or just the idea of being a third wheel.

Maybe you could work it through flattery. Tell her that she's such a huge and important part of your life, that you want her to get to know your FH too, because he's a big part of you and your life. Maybe before she comes next time, tell her that you want your FH to come along at least one night, or maybe he can join you guys for dinner and then leave you alone for the rest of the night? I understand her wanting to catch up with you, but I think that even if she doesn't want him there, she's being very rude about it. Especially since she's rude to him in his own home, not just about not wanting him to come out with you!

littlebean · Kate Spade

You know, I would just say to her point blank the next time that you two are talking something along the lines of, "Friend, I get the sense that you don't feel comfortable around Mike. Your friendship means so much to me and so I'd really like you to get to know Mike. Spending time between just us girls is really important to me but I know that Mike was sad not to spend any time with you during your visit. Is there something wrong?"

If there were some hard feelings between her and Mike because of the relationship comments or whatever else, then it'll give you an opportunity to (hopefully) sort it out. If it's really that she feels like a third wheel, then hopefully it will also give all of you the opportunity to understand where each other is coming from and move forward. And if it's more like she's just being kind of obnoxious, then I think it's good to call her on it and let her know that you're not oblivious to it.

This is such a tricky situation -- I feel like I've been on all sides of the coin. When I was single I would sometimes feel resentful of my friends that had serious boyfriends/girlfriends and feel a bit uncomfortable around them; now that I've been in a relationship for years with my boyfriend, some of my longtime single friends seem to pull away from me/him. It's hurtful. But meanwhile my lifelong best friend is currently in long-term relationship (headed towards marriage) with someone I do not like. I have to admit that I try to plan our get togethers in ways that allow me to spend time with my friend alone because being around him just makes me sad/frustrated. I feel really guilty about that but I'm not sure what else to do. Anyhow, from these different experiences it strikes me that just saying something directly to her would be the best route.

Anyhow, my fingers are crossed that things work out for the best with the friend, but I'm glad that you have such a wonderful guy in your life that is making you happy -- that's a wonderful thing.

Sevilla · BCBG

thank all of your girls for such good advice. i think the best option is just to talk to her, regardless of how uncomfortable it may be.

ttara- you made a good point about asking if she's like this when she goes out in a group in general, and the thing is, she is. she hates going out in groups because all my attention won't be focused on her. also, she automatically assumes that anyone we meet up with (at dinner, at a bar, etc.) is somehow not "as good" as us and she treats them with a lot of disdain that is really quite bitchy, to be honest. so, it's not just that she does it with mike, i suppose... i guess in general she is just sort of anti-social and rude.

but on that hand, when i'm talking to her about it, i don't want her to feel like i'm attacking her character and insinuating that she's been a real anti-social jerk lately. ugh!